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sullivanthepoet.com
Member
since 2007-06-28
Posts 154
Devon, England

0 posted 2007-06-28 12:56 PM



"O gentle place; too sweet the breeze,
That languid sings and stirs each branch'ed aisle,
Of low, regretful sighs its song,
Laments your legions' unsung dreams a while.

Humming, sadly, the long forgotten lyrics of life's tragic opera to the gentle insistent rhythm of some silent orchestra,
Whilst an unseen Maestro softly marks time to the scarce remembered tempo of a multitude of long stilled hearts.


Soft! Tender shades, as zephyrs whirl,
That tempt the twirling leaves their steps confide,
To loving, touch life's cheek once more,
Forgotten dancers; soundlessly they glide.

Turning patiently their slow reverential waltz, 'neath sombre sepulchral tree tops bent deferentially in prayer,
Silently they dance into eternity, along leaf slicked avenues; wet slate grey with the burden of a million stolen tears.


Blessed tranquil plot what treasures hides,
What unfilled dreams your wood bound vaults encase?
Yet sorrow, mellowed, sips as wine,
No acid sting to taint this poignant place.

As guileless as a child's embrace, this tear washed gentle soil tends them still; close and tender as any mother's bosom,
While 'neath each moss clung marker, abandon now, the dust spat bottles of a unique vintage; too oft but half supped.


"O gentle place!" This tide of blooms,
Whose scents disguise this furtive vale of grief,
Each watered with a loved one's tears,
To dew the night spun cloak of death ... THE THIEF.

Yet love 'tis fill the grieving heart's tortured cup to overflow; that spills and wets this kind and sacred earth,
Wherein, humbled in their mortaility and pressed cheek by jowl with eternity, all men lie equal; remembered each, not for the price of their shoes... "But for how well they danced!"

Hope you enjoyed this piece - speak freely if you didn't...

"Live free in the world and owe allegiance to no man"

© Copyright 2007 Sullivan - All Rights Reserved
lacydee
Member
since 2007-06-17
Posts 130
Indiana
1 posted 2007-06-28 01:03 PM


WOW!!! This was awesome!!!! I was totally absorbed in your words!!! Dee Lacy

as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

PonderingsS
Junior Member
since 2007-06-25
Posts 10
Texas now
2 posted 2007-06-29 01:40 AM


sullivan the poet

Perhaps too tender of an expression to offer any critique at all...still, let me tell you what I perceive to be the best lines here--and a place where I *think* this poem should have its entrance:  ( I tend to think we sometimes write a lot while zoning in on the main theme) ...but here it is:


Silently they dance into eternity, along leaf slicked avenues; wet slate grey with the burden of a million stolen tears.


Blessed tranquil plot what treasures hides,
What unfilled dreams your wood bound vaults encase?
Yet sorrow, mellowed, sips as wine,
No acid sting to taint this poignant place.

As guileless as a child's embrace, this tear washed gentle soil tends them still; close and tender as any mother's bosom,
While 'neath each moss clung marker, abandon now, the dust spat bottles of a unique vintage; too oft but half supped.


"O gentle place!" This tide of blooms,
Whose scents disguise this furtive vale of grief,
Each watered with a loved one's tears,
To dew the night spun cloak of death ...
____________________________________-

I think the end is already spoken above.  Now please remind me, how harsh or kind did you request a critique?     Seriously, and perhaps because I am one who believes less is more..I think you've said it all in those lines already, and stated such finely.



sullivanthepoet.com
Member
since 2007-06-28
Posts 154
Devon, England
3 posted 2007-06-29 05:31 AM


Thank you for your input - 'Dancers', to give the piece its title, is the result of an intertwining of two seperate pieces which, while unorthodox, was deliberate. The intent was that it read like two narrators taking it in turns to speak - as such I don't believe shortening it would serve my purpose. You have however correctly identified the fact that a seperate but equally valid piece can be drawn out from that mix... Hope that explains my intent - perhaps the fact I am having to explain suggests it doesn't work as well as I had hoped - or that it might be best viewed as a performance piece rather than a written piece...?

"Live free in the world and owe allegiance to no man"

Lighthousebob
Member Elite
since 2000-06-14
Posts 4725
California
4 posted 2007-06-29 01:07 PM



sullivan the poet,

First let me extend to you a very Hearty welcome...

Welcome!!!

and then let me say that I really liked your poem. Here's to Song! Dance! Good Wine! and Life! Amen and Amen!!! I did like the contrasting formats yet complimenting verses or lyrics and my favorite part or usage of a word in your poem was how you expressed  very boldly and very vibrantly the word "Soft!" Death, Funerals (which, by the way, I try to avoid as much as at all possible), the Graveyard, the Funeral Home, the Body without Llife, the Atmosphere, etc. etc. for me anyway, is just that... Very stirring, very emotional and, yet, "Soft!" Very well expressed, God bless, and, again, Welcome.

-Bob

[This message has been edited by Lighthousebob (06-29-2007 01:52 PM).]

sullivanthepoet.com
Member
since 2007-06-28
Posts 154
Devon, England
5 posted 2007-06-30 11:26 AM


Thanks guy! Glad you liked it - and thank you for your welcome - you guys are making me feel right at home...

"Live free in the world and owe allegiance to no man"

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