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Open Poetry #23
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Fade Away
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Fade Away |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Fade Away There is a white haze that lingers with each word I speak The sound floats to the center of this cloud and momentarily fades away There is a mist that falls from my eyes It rests upon my cheek then makes it way south The trail it leaves tickles my face but, I do not feel like laughing My body curls up and folds onto itself hiding under the covers Seeking comfort in the dark of my cocoon never to peek at the morning light Even tender licks from my companions do not stir me to their morning walk Bad writing, bad day It doesn't really matter anyway They are just words and if they communicate who is anyone to say Bad writing, bad day There is that white haze that lingers again The sound floats to the center of my gut I momentarily fade away C2002SimplyGold |
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| © Copyright 2002 SimplyGold - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
There is a lot of understanding in this poem, my girl...I would read some more... |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
I understand this. This is the way I feel alot of times. |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggsssss) We all have days like this sweet friend, you are never alone and a good day will always follow each bad day! (sigh) This is wonderfully written, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Secret Whisper Member
since 2001-01-25
Posts 298Through the Looking Glass |
Wow I really liked this piece, and I say that in all sincerity. I especially loved the stanza "Bad writing, bad day...". I like the repetition of the white haze image, and the last few lines are capturing. My truest praise for this piece. alice "See, no one loves..." - Prayers for Rain |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
SG I have no idea why I looked in Open tonight because normally I never read in here. This is a well constructed poem and shows your talent much better than the one you posted in CA. I liked it! I just have this nasty feeling that I might have contributed to your bad day - I really hope not, and anyway I hope today is better. Regards Rob |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Rob, Thanks for peeking in. I appreciate your comment and I'm glad you liked it. You definately inspired me and that is not a bad thing. I am able to play off of feelings and use it in a positive force. Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence -- I do it myself. I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about abservation and understanding. I'm working at it. Again, thanks and I will plan on posting one from my collection for your critique. I value your honesty, how else will I improve? Respectfully, SG |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Alice, Thank you for your kind words, appreciate it. Smartchick-Thank goodness we do come out once in awhile or I would never have the chance to read your fine poetry. Noah, Thank you sweet Noah. Sunshine, thanks for your reply. What did you mean by "I would read some more"? Did you mean like read a better poem   Hugs to all  SG |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
SimplyGold - a poem of words told of feelings within. Says many things... Best to you... BC |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
SG~~~ Promise me that you will stay, And never, ever fade away, You are full of soul and heart, I value all that you impart!!! ~ smiles and a great big hug! ~ EA |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
SG You said: “Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence -- I do it myself. I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about observation and understanding. I'm working at it.” This is music to my ears SG and I would be delighted to help if I can. Rob |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Actually, to help answer your question to Sunshine...I believe that what she is saying is that She will take a second peek, or mayhaps a third...gleaning yet more from the many feels of this poem.... It says a ton! |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
EA, Thank you for the poetic reply and the senitment. Love your Holloween poem. You alway make me laugh, you can be so twisted my dear >D SG |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Magnus, Thank you. I was teasing Sunshine, but I guess that didn't come across well. How sweet of you, it does not surprise me however. You are true to your spirit which lights up every poem you write.  SG |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Bill, Thank you for your comment. It prompted me to relook at it and it scared me to think that I had written it. This was just a low point and I was feeling vulnerable. As I have said to many before I say unto myself " and this too shall pass". SG |
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Madame Chipmunk Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296Michigan |
Electra... I love the texture of this piece and the angst which leaks from between the words... I often have these same feelings... I think it must be part of being a poet. You are a person who feels things very deeply ~ loving poetic hugsLyra |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
SimplyGold, I loved this poem and the way that you showed your "FEELINGS" in the poem. I'd like to know, though, what did you ( and Rob) mean by the remark....."Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence---I do it myself. I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about observation and understanding. I'm working at it".....One question..WHY?!? I know that I'm not a professional poet, but to me the best poetry is written by people who FEEL what they are writing about....whether it be about everyday life..the seasons..the American Flag...Love...Friends...Poet Meets.. Babies & Children....God....the weather... sunsets, sunrises, the stars, and the moon...ANY SUBJECT WHATSOEVER!!!! I think they all should be written with a PASSION and with FEELING. Just as you did this beautiful poem. Have I misunderstood what you were talking about? Just wondering. Please answer me because I'm willing to learn. I want to help people. Thank you for listening to me. With Love To All, Ethel....garysgirl |
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SimplyGold Senior Member
since 2002-07-10
Posts 1453 |
Dear Garygirl, Thank you for your comments. Let me explain in context what I was talking about with Rob. This was in response to a poem that I had posted for critique. I felt that in order to be a better writer that I needed to expand my craft as an observer of life so that I could hone in on my skills of observation. Yes, you are right poetry is about "feeling and feelings", it is about anything that effects the poet. Yes, I'm not a professional writer either and I am only looking to excercise my powers of observation outside of myself so that I can write at some given point with a fresh and original perspective. I would be very satisfied if I could see the beauty and the pain of other circumstances and be astute enough to put it on paper. In short, an excercise to be sure. Does this make sense? In effect this whole dialogue started as a result of my putting a poem on the forum for critique. This is giving me another outlook as to my writing. SG |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Ethel I must declare an interest in this! First of all, you might like to check out this thread, which might clarify things: /pip/Forum28/HTML/000295.html Now then, you say: “One question..WHY?!? I know that I'm not a professional poet, but to me the best poetry is written by people who FEEL what they are writing about....whether it be about everyday life..the seasons..the American Flag...Love...Friends...Poet Meets.. Babies & Children....God....the weather... sunsets, sunrises, the stars, and the moon...ANY SUBJECT WHATSOEVER!!!! I think they all should be written with a PASSION and with FEELING.” To which I would say Ethel that you need first of all to decide WHY you are writing. Are you simply writing to express your feelings or as a release i.e. to get your feelings down on a piece of paper OR are you concerned as well to COMMUNICATE those feelings in a powerful way to other people. An example: My wife has just left me and I write: “I was heartbroken when she left me the pain in my soul pierced my very being to the core and as I looked out up to the stars I felt the loneliness of someone bereft of love” Fine, I have expressed my feelings. Perhaps writing that has been an outlet for my grief, perhaps it satisfies me. Perhaps I think I am a great and powerful poet. But do those words do anything to convey what I really feel to a reader? The answer is that the reader might empathize in two ways, either: 1 The reader will simply feel sorry for the poet as one human to another as he/she can see the poet is unhappy or 2 The reader will empathise by projecting a similar experience (of being deserted) that he/she has had and feel sorrow probably for him or herself as well. I.e. the poem has served simply as a reminder of similar circumstances experienced personally. In neither case has the poem actually conveyed in a convincing or believable way the emotions of the writer, and in neither case has the reader really be changed or moved by the poem or offered any new insights. Quite often readers confuse straightforward and understandable sorrow (or joy) engendered by hearing of a poet’s plight (or elation) with true appreciation of what “real” poetry can bring. You ask may ask: Does this matter? Well yes it does, because the same emotions can be raised by the following: Dear Ethel, I’m writing to tell you that my wife has left me. I looked out on the stars last night and I felt such grief and emotion as my words can’t possibly convey. Will this pain ever leave me do you think. I feel lost. With love Rob That would not generally be regarded as a poem. It is a personal appeal to the tender human feelings in us. I am not saying that poems do not appeal in that way as well, but poetry is (or can be) so much more. So in a nutshell I am agreeing with you, poems can be about “feelings”, and certainly I believe a poet should always write what he or she believes to be true (that doesn’t of course preclude writing entirely fictional poems), but it’s HOW the poem is written that matters. A powerful way to write is to try and convey feelings and emotions not by using vague and superficial phrases but in a straightforward and believable manner using images and scenes that the reader can relate to and that portray the state of mind of the writer (if that is what the poem is about) in such a way that the reader can see and feel it for him or herself. So for instance I might have written instead: That night, in my wicker chair, I stared out from the island marooned in the moment she finally crashed the oak door in my face. The black water reflected my thoughts and chisel-tips of starlight seemed to slice into my bleary eyes. Do you see how all of a sudden you can SEE the poet. Instead of a faceless person simply setting down abstract words on a screen the writer becomes a PERSON, yet within the poem. You may want to know more about why he is on an island, why she slammed the door etc - you become involved in the scene and thereby intimately involved in the poet’s emotions. So yes! Convey emotion, write about absolutely anything at all. But writing a poem is all about CAUSING the reader to experience emotion about something. Writing in which the writer only elaborates upon the emotion he or she is feeling at a particular time is unlikely to do this. Regards Rob |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I, too, often have these feelings, and I am glad you created this poem. I also want to address Rob, and thank him for taking his valuable time to thoroughly explain to the novice what is meant by observation and understanding. Rob, Cannot thank you enough. My clueless, sponge brain sucked up this final information you so kindly gave to the novice poet and quenched my thirst for knowledge of the exact lesson you gave here. Don't know how well I can implement it but, this is a prayer answered. Unforntunately, some of us don't have enough time left to go back to school, and put in the years it might take to learn this very simple, yet seemingly difficult, rule of writing poetry. I thank you for selflessly taking the time and completely answering Ethel's query, giving us this gift of knowledge. With Warm Regards, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
You're very welcome Pat, and ty for the kind comments. Rob |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Rob, I want to thank you so much for the lesson you gave me here. I, like Pat, am trying to let my brain soak up all this knowledge you have put forth. I hope it's okay for me to print this reply, because I know I will have to go back to read and study it over and over again....MANY times, probably. I apologize for not seeing this reply before now. I also want to thank SimplyGold for the reply, too. Love To All, Ethel Rob, I went back to the other thread you put in the reply . Now, I understand what you were trying to do. Forgive me for speaking out without first knowing what I was speaking out about. Thanks. Ethel [This message has been edited by garysgirl (10-18-2002 12:08 AM).] |
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Robtm1965 Member
since 2002-08-20
Posts 263 |
Ethel It was great of you to go back and read. Of course it's totally alright for you to print it out. It's an honor to have someone listen to me! Thank you Rob |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I think it's good |
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