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Open Poetry #23
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Ticking Bomb
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Ticking Bomb |
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Kaos Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 317between space and time 
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I feel the emptiness grow flooding me from within. Like a ticking bomb that at any moment could go off and release its sickening poison into me. I've taken all i could i broke down, damaged useless to you... I was wrong! I admit it! tears, creeping their way to the surface and my eyes are hot. The poison feeds and grows I cry out! into the dark tears run as freed prisoners and i remain forever a prisoner veins pumping poison killing me... " How can i feel if i can't breathe...?" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Michael Lentini - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Like this...James |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
me again... (chuckling) read this several times and troubled over the mixed images used. your use of flooding into me, followed by a ticking bomb...then poison... it is absolutely understandable as it is written, so don't think I am picking on you or what it says. What troubles me is that flooding does not in my mind go with a ticking bomb...ticking bombs don't flood ticking bombs have not yet gone off. You then say release its sickening poison... bombs conjour an image of explosions and while explosions are a release..they are violent.. relasing seems to take away from the image of a bomb. I think the piece could be strenthened with a re-write and the use of perhaps another image than a bomb...or the lines referring to the bomb rewritten to show attributes of the bomb... Just my opinion...and if you don't want them or they upset... please just let me know and I'll keep them to myself  later |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing. God bless! |
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