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Open Poetry #23
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Hungry Abyss
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Hungry Abyss |
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Kaos Member
since 2001-08-02
Posts 317between space and time 
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Piece by poiece i put it all together, my heart and mind slowly tormented, by memories of the past. Thoughts which once drew a sparkle to my eyes now bring a solemn drip drip of tears from deep inside, and i'm left lost in the belly of the hungry, black abyss that has swirled into existence within me. Swirling round and round hungry and swirling... so lost. " How can i feel if i can't breathe...?" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Michael Lentini - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
say what you gotta say.... OK... I will... I say this has a great deal of potential. It reads well enough as is that it is good, but with a bit of editing it could be great. The repeated words are bit of ovrkill in my mind for a piece this short, but you create a feel and a scene that is stronger than this weakness. The line breaks might also be looked at to emphasize the way the reader should pause naturally as well as to set the pace of the poem... Now... I'm not an expert..and those are only opinions.. so we all know opinions are not worth anything. I look foward to seeing more... there are definitly a lot of things I like about this piece.. |
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Radrook Senior Member
since 2002-08-09
Posts 648 |
Enjoyed the poem. Thanks for sharing. God bless! |
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