challenge #22 [well, something to that effect]

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Teen Poetry #6

challenge #22 [well, something to that effect]

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-11-29 02:12 AM

this challenge interested me.  i'm soooooo tired and i needed to write something.  yes, i tried again.  not that good either, but hell - i try.  heh.

Quivering and running
Up and down, over and over these worn out tracks.
Inside this smile there is a toothache
Eating away -
Tainted blood
Lying in wait.  The next victim just so happens to be
Yesterday’s mother.

Drown this loss in my
Yellow, carefree guilt and sorrow.
Injure the amputee once again,
Nary a boy could ever get lost in that pathetic maze.
Grown over, she is.  With cranberry weeds.

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-29-2002 02:12 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-11-29 02:50 AM

I like this one better, honestly... fatigue sure does a lot for your skill, miss Yankoski.

Still preferred the title of the prior. Oh well.

Nice work Jen. If you're asleep about now, sleep soundly.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

2 posted 2002-11-29 09:43 AM

angst... well described with some nice lines in it. Ending might use some work...but lots of potential in this..

I'm still trying to figure out what became of my brain....so don't expect much... ( chuckling)

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

3 posted 2003-01-09 08:12 PM

I'm loving the visual stimulation here, Jen. (edited by moderator)

I've missed this sort of writing. Between you and Cherish I have a fix set me up for the rest of my life. You've really let yourself run loose with this one and it's done the overall piece the world of good.

Well done. Hurray for you and your writing.

ME!

Don't steal - the Government hates competition.

[This message has been edited by vlraynes (01-10-2003 12:01 AM).]

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

4 posted 2003-01-12 12:35 PM

I dont know, maybe Im just the crazy one, but I didnt realise it was an acrostic till I'd gone over it for the fourth or so time.
You blow my mind, you know that Jen?
Loved the imagery, especially the overgrown weeds

You did good, chicka.

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

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