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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-11-09 02:20 PM

tears deciet the burning rubble
own the ashes that fall upon you
grayish light shines against it
making it inviting to appearence
yet underneath is a true red
the hot coal that melts at your touch
carefully lift for it inspires
you can hear the flaccid screams behind
as your life droans on in an endless mind set
fears are met with faces clashed with lava
you can see the words that are cried out
they fly from the eyes with notes so sweet
the tender kiss that soothes the soul
cheeks turn orange with fury, embarrasment
and weak minded self pity
perfectly knowing whats being said
captured in the moment
all is lost
maybe not technically lost
gone for now
lost is to soon

~*Pain strikes my heart, water drips down my face, I now stand in front of you, full of shame and disgrace*~

[This message has been edited by Riley (11-09-2002 05:12 PM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-11-10 12:46 PM

This poem is so solid, but the contradiction in the end kind of mussed that up a lot. Sorry to sound blunt but I think the ending should be more direct and sure of itself.

Still some beautiful writing. You always use such strong and sublime imagery, it leaves me awestruck.

Winky

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

2 posted 2002-11-10 10:05 AM

Thankies for replying Parasite. * tries to look strong and imginaryly like * !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hehe....awesome

Winky

Ri

~*I found how to laugh, forgot how to smile, somehow your words, make it all worthwhile*~

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

3 posted 2002-11-11 02:59 PM

Riley~
I really enjoyed reading this.
LP does have a point about the ending, but
overall it's an excellent piece of writing.

Keep up the great work!
Hugs,
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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