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Teen Poetry #6
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Alone
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Alone |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
When did you leave? Where did you go? I have so many questions. But I don't know How to ask them Or when And where How come life isn't always fair? I loved you. You left this town. And on my face Is still a frown. I'd loved you Since the fourth grade. All that time I was afraid. I thought that you liked my best friend. But I didn't know that you were following the trend. You said you liked her. But you did not. So I thought "what the heck I'll give it a shot" But you went away. Away from me. Now I only wish that you could see How I loved you. But I waited to long. And now look where I am You're gone. "I am who I am who I am who am I?" |
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| © Copyright 2002 Cathy - All Rights Reserved | |||
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
.....It was ok...It wasnt as good as others I`ve seen. I would like to maybe see some better words. Maybe a vocabulary broadening is appropriate...It would help to give them some pazazz. Cause in most of your poems you say the same thing..Just a tip....Dont take it the wrong way. *Allison* |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Ok, the line I liked was....I'd loved you Since the fourth grade. But you used some cliche phrases, so maybe just get some more phrases that mean the same but you made them up. * shrugs * I dunno. Pretty good write anywayz. Riley ~*Pain strikes my heart, water drips down my face, I now stand in front of you, full of shame and disgrace*~ |
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dinky Member
since 2002-10-19
Posts 258 |
i liked it ~sam~ |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
like the critique message.  Riley is right, you've used a few cliche'd lines and phrases... sometimes it's better to try and clear your mind when writing. When you read it over, think to yourself, has any of this been said before? Am I writing this on my own or am I making a collage of phrases? Nice work. Keep writing. Parasite Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
I was right??? Ehhh!!! Yippee! Ri ~*I found how to laugh, forgot how to smile, somehow your words, make it all worthwhile*~ |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
thanx for replying guyz Allison-that was the last poem that i will be writing about the recent event that has occured in my life no more "same stuff" Sam-or should i say sugar(heehee)thanx man Lp and Ri-thanx for tellin me the truth and not gettin me upset   fist message signed without the coolhat one !!! |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
I wasnt tryin to get you upset I was just tryin to help man....I was just sayin that you could probably use some more creative imagry and vocab...You are smart and I know that you can do it....The day I stop bein picky you should worry cause that means that I just dont care anymore...KK? Just tryin to make you the best that I know you can be..  *Allison* |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
i no u werent trying to get me upset but with the situation we r in whut u r saying can mean two different thingz i dont think that u no how i felt with this poem and i felt that u more criticized it then told me thingz like LP and riley did "I am who I am who I am who am I?" |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
i no u werent trying to get me upset but with the situation we r in whut u r saying can mean two different thingz i dont think that u no how i felt with this poem and i felt that u more criticized it then told me thingz like LP and riley did "I am who I am who I am who am I?" |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
I was just suggesting some newer words...No criticizing..Was I too rough..I will watch closer next time..  *Allison* |
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