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No emotion more powerful
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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No emotion more powerful |
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ShadyMakaveli Member
since 2002-08-21
Posts 128 |
There's no reason to lie Emotions so strong inside A love I can't defy Going to push it all aside Reveal this passion I possess Put my feelings out in the open With these words I confess For an opportunity I'm hopin' No matter what I'll never fail you Good to bad times, I'm here to stay Completed the world I never knew A love too powerful, won't go away Now you know how I feel Wouldn't want to change it Your presence makes me real No lies, a love i must admit |
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| © Copyright 2002 ShadyMakaveli - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
hey Shady Mak! I like this... it's hard to be creative on the topic of love ('cause it's just so overdone these days), but the key is description... and you've done some impressive description in your alloted stanza space... One comment though... you have to learn to use feminine rhyme in some places. Here's an example: quote: "Change it" and "admit" don't really rhyme, and do you know why? Say them aloud. Don't sound right do they? It's because the second syllable of admit is stressed (ad-MIT) and the first of change it is stressed (CHANGE-it). When you rhyme, you want your rhyme to either land on a stressed syllable (for example, rhyming admit with a word like submit [sub-MIT])... or use feminine rhyme. Feminine rhyme is actually rather easy and you've probably done it before. It involves rhyming both a stressed syllable and a series of following, unstressed syllables. Like "walking" and "talking." Notice how "walk" rhymes with "talk," and the "ing"s just follow naturally. The stressed has to rhyme. The following unstressed must also rhyme, as clearly "walker" and "talking" wouldn't rhyme. So in this situation, maybe something along the lines of "change it" to rhyme with "arrange it" or "derange it." I can't think of any other feminine rhymes for "change it" at the moment... if you're ever truly stumped check out http://www.rhymezone.com, the haven of the cowardly poet...  Still some great work Shady Mak. You and I should meet up for coffee sometime. Ever been to MonDragon? Great place for just sitting and talking. Maybe we can even invite Leah, or Alex, or clumsy, or quietlydying, or Jester, or Pollita, or... well... one of the other millions of winnipeg Teen poets... See you around, man. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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