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Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

0 posted 2002-09-19 11:24 PM

Sitting on the edge,
Looking down,
Dare me to drown?

I can see a face,
The innocence of it drained,
With wild eyes never tamed.

A face with a transparent smile,
Not there,
Because it would not dare.

Not ready for the commitment,
The commitment of being happy,
To much to lose.

In the depths of the dirty water,
I can see a face,
Slowly being erased.

Step back,
Just try to get your life on track.
My fates in the waters hands tonight.

~*Azi*~

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

1 posted 2002-09-20 12:11 PM

I've always had a soft spot for pieces that provoke these nice little morbid images in my head. You've done just that. while I can see that the drowning isn't exactly literal there is a doubt in there that comes through quite strongly.

Overall, it was fairly well done. Thanks for the read.

~AF~

"No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-09-20 11:16 AM

This is very skillfully done. I particularily enjoyed the opening stanza.

I've always liked poetry that leaves the reader hanging, wondering what happens next... your closing accurately exemplifies what I mean...

Very good work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

3 posted 2002-09-21 05:28 PM

Truly well done.

Kielo

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

4 posted 2002-09-21 10:22 PM

I really enjoyed this, I likewise, like the nice little morbid images it envokes.

I really liked the first stanza and the fifth.

The only thing I found a little confusing was the rhyming. The first through to the fourth stanza's held a nice little rhyme scheme, then the fourth deviated by not having one at all then the fifth re-introduced it and then the sixth had a completely different one. It was sort of too random to have any effect.
However, rhyming is not the most important thing and it's always worse using words for the mere job of rhyming. As I've always said 'Rhyme is not your best friend, merely an accquaintance that you may have coffee with if the chance arises...'

Well done though, I did enjoy it a lot.

Michelle.

~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~

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