quietly dying [this house is haunted] challenge 2

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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-11-02 01:03 AM

Quietly dying, this girl is
Useless in her eyes.  [Can you smell her in the hall?]
In through the out door she finds
Exception
Through the stained glass front doors of the
Lawless few who toss
Years away [watching them spiral]
Down the bloody beaten path.
Yet is she still dreaming?  [Rumor is, she doesn’t dream anymore.]
Is she even alive?  Doctor, I can’t hear a heartbeat.
Never breathing, never feeling.  This girl is numb.
Gaining few precious words, she lingers on the airless breeze.

[[[i know, shoddy work.  but my muse is playing hide and seek again.  bleh.]]]

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-03-2002 04:23 AM).]

Surreal
Junior Member

since 2002-10-21

Posts 35
Paris

1 posted 2002-11-02 07:49 AM

I thought this was a really interesting piece, especially because of the different speakers throughout. I'm a big fan of parantheses as well, and for some reason that one line "[Rumor is, she doesn’t dream anymore.]" really struck me.

Glory is a silent thing-- Mineral

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

2 posted 2002-11-03 01:14 AM

And that's all I have to say on that one

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

3 posted 2002-11-03 04:09 AM

Useless? No. Yes, you're still dreaming and yes, you're alive.

Jen, as personal as this piece is I'm going to disagree with nearly every statement there to be a pain.

I thought it was well written and gives everyone that doesn't know you an indepth perspective.

quote:
Is she even alive? Doctor, I can’t hear a heartbeat.
Never breathing, never feeling. This girl is numb.
Gaining few precious words, she lingers on the breeze.

Could relate to that one...can't imagine why.

I'll talk to you soon. Until then, poke fun at flowers and revel in the simplicity that is 'the end of the line'.

Elizabeth

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

4 posted 2002-11-04 03:50 PM

Hmm... this time, the restriction did seem to harm your style a little bit. It may have been the capitalization of every line that made the flow seem a lot less Jen and a lot more typical to line-by-line poetry.

I like the last line, but I think that (in the rest of the poem) you should focus a bit more on those creative, unusual images that we're all so used to reading from you. Ya know what I mean?

This could have also used a dash of colour to bring it alive.

Also liked "in through the out door." You rebel you.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-11-05 02:52 PM

Jen~
Well, here I go again, reading this over and over
and finally coming back to try and reply.
This is such a powerful and emotional piece.
I couldn't help but feel it as I read, and
I also found the various voices to be very effective.
This is very well done, and an excellent response to the challenge.
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

boy and his spirit
Junior Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 41
within my heart

6 posted 2002-11-17 01:15 AM

Useless in her eyes.

useless in her face!!!! meet hep.

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