Paradelle: Silver and Gold

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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2002-10-26 07:35 AM

Silver and Gold

The silver streams of light       Dance merrily in the fields
the silver streams of light	dance merrily in the fields
the slow rise of the moon	amongst the golden corn
the slow rise of the moon	amongst the golden corn
the rise of silver light        golden in the merry fields
the slow streams of the moon	dance amongst the corn


the gentle sound of silence	the echoes of their laughter
the gentle sound of silence	the echoes of their laughter
floats upon the breeze	        the sounds of yesterday
floats upon the breeze	        the sounds of yesterday
floats the gentle sound	        the laughter of yesterday
of silence upon the breeze	the echoes of their sounds


whispers from the sleepy	children in the trees
whispers from the sleepy	children in the trees
carried to the dawn		see the growing light
carried to the dawn		see the growing light
whispers from the dawn	        growing in the light
carried to the sleep		trees the children see


the rise of gentle whispers	growing in the fields
carried from the sleepy moon	the sounds of their laughter
slow upon the breeze	        the merry echoes
to light the silence		children see the light
the sound of dawn		dance amongst the trees
floats the stream of silver	golden corn of yesterday

Always and forever

[This message has been edited by Marshalzu (10-26-2002 07:46 AM).]

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

1 posted 2002-10-26 11:49 PM

wow...:::stares in awe:::i dunno how u do it Zu, but this was awesome!

You can close your eyes to things you dont want to see,but u cant close your heart to things you dont want to feel.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2002-10-27 07:49 AM

I'm not going to pick too much at this because I can't write paradelles to save my life BUT the Gold one seemed really forced. It was like you were striving for something but didn't quite reach it. The silver one was fairly well done but one again, a little forced. An excellent job but definitely not one of my favourites from you, Mister Zu.

Thanks for posting them though.

~AF~

Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity!

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

3 posted 2002-10-27 12:18 PM

I love this concept, and nobody could have possibly done it better than you have, Zu... you're King Paradelle.

Remember back when I tried to make a double-poem, one of them being a paradelle?  Never dreamed of even trying to make them both paradelles... hehe...

Silver and Gold... great ideas... I love how they stand alone, and how they work together too...

But, one thing I have to mention is that you should put a bit more effort into making the lines flow into one another from poem to poem.  It's hard to do, but if you use really versatile words like "and" or "as" at the starts of lines, you can make it a lot easier for one line to read directly into the next.

Great work, Zu.  You're a paradellic genius.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2002-10-27 03:20 PM

Woah... *blinks* I honestly don't know what to say. Great job, Andrew, great job

I'm so cute!

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-10-27 03:33 PM

Andrew~
I do enjoy paradelles and this one is no exception.
You did a great job on this/these.
Much enjoyed.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

6 posted 2002-10-27 04:29 PM

I'm really proud of this one, I enjoyed writing this so much and I admit that the second paradelle is a little weak but I like them so, yeah thanks for all your replies

Andrew

cherish
Senior Member

since 2001-03-25

Posts 1639
swimming in fairy floss...........

7 posted 2002-10-28 10:41 PM

The moon's made of cheese not silver Andypickles

I liked the gold one a lot, 'twas cliched, but eh, I'm allowed to like what I like, right?

You've still got to teach me the fine art of paradelling

(Bjork rules

)

Are you scared? BOO! Are you now?

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