»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
200 cigarettes and a morning.
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
200 cigarettes and a morning. |
|
|
clumsy Member
since 2002-10-10
Posts 106canada. |
i woke up, twisted in blankets, to lightly falling snow i walked down two flights of stairs, trailing my hand along the rail half an hour later i get a phone call, and it feels good to get out of this imprisonment, that i cannot escape so we walk down paths by the rivers edge to the abandoned warehouse, and i joke about how if i ever ran away this is where i would run to (is there anything else in my grasp?) and as you say that the intoxications of the building would kill me, i smirk and shrug. and on the way home we stop to rent movies, 200 cigarettes, so we watch but all the while my mind is on remembering, the girl who is in brandon's every kiss. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 jessyka. - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i loved this piece. the imagery was amazing. a winnie classic, heh. reminds me of when i was living in wolseley, down the two flights of stairs and out to the river. it took me back, and for that i thank you. you are one of my favourites around here.  it's hip to be square. /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
click.  /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Hey  I'm gonna try my best :P i woke up, twisted in blankets, to lightly falling snow i walked down two flights of stairs, trailing my hand along the rail I really like the first line, and the image of walking down the stairs...but maybe spice it up a little, otherwise I liked this part. half an hour later i get a phone call, and it feels good to get out of this imprisonment, that i cannot escape so we walk down paths by the rivers edge Ok, maybe a comma after escape....but I really like the wording in this part...its really awesome to the abandoned warehouse, and i joke about how if i ever ran away this is where i would run to (is there anything else in my grasp?) and as you say that the intoxications of the building would kill me, i smirk and shrug. I like the words in the () but a couple of commas could be place like after how and away. Otherwise this is an awesome part to. and on the way home we stop to rent movies, 200 cigarettes, so we watch but all the while my mind is on remembering, the girl who is in brandon's every kiss. mmmmm....this is a really good stanza a comma after watch...but wow...i like the last line...the girl part...thats powerful... Also I really like the title. This was an awesome piece, just a few tech. errors. Riley ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
ok, maybe one of the commas you suggested would be appropriate. there is no reason for the others. they would simply detract from the piece. yes, there are a few technical errors, but you didn't list any of them. and with the style she's using, they were obviously overlooked for a reason. just my seventeen cents.  /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Oh wow...this really sends off a few memories in my mind. The only difference is I see rain not snow. Heh...anyway, the piece! Very well written. It captures a balance of not only the scene but the emotions as well. Seeings how your critique flag is up I'm not going to launch into a damn thing so I'll just thank you for posting this. I actually needed to read something along these lines to jolt me back to reality.  I look forward to reading more of your work. remember to reply as well as post. ~AF~ Anti Lemming Crusader - Fight against the conformity! |
||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Definitely a winnie classic.  Ugly warehouses and paths down the river's edge. Welcome to Winnipeg! hehe...I like the first stanza the most out of the poem... a strong opening, and you make the rest of it seem to follow so immediately after. Your descriptions of snow, and walking down stairs... I love how they work for one another, those two alone kind of create that "city" feel, nature wakes you up, so you walk down the stairs with your hand on the rail (another important word, rail)... After this stanza it seems like you swapped chronological tense. Why? I just can't see what reason you had for going from past to present tense. "Is there anything else in my grasp?" is kind of weak compared to the rest of the poem... it's not really originally worded or anything. And I don't think "in my grasp" is appropriate for what you were trying to say there. Correct me if I'm wrong, of course... but you were going for "where else would I go?" or "do I have anywhere else to go?" I don't think you should have said it like that... I have nothing else to comment on from this point forward in the poem... you completed it well... "brandon's every kiss," I don't know if you mean the city brandon (which is what I think, as you didn't capitalize it), or a person named Brandon... which might come to mind for some people who don't happen to live in Manitoba. At any rate, nice poem. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (10-27-2002 12:31 PM).] |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
but that's the fun part. having unmanitoban's think of brandon as a person. it's gold. and i am reminded of when billy corgan used the term winnipegians. i wouldn't mind being one of those.  /jen/ what if they gave a war, and nobody came... |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Heey... Very well done here Everyone else has gotten all the technical stuff out of the way, so I'll just say that I really enjoyed this one I'm so cute! |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
Definately one worth keeping. Loved the second stanza, I'm not going to reproduce it cuz it's a bit obvious that I liked it by what I just said (and god am I feeling lame)... Nicely done... Are you scared? |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
BOO! Are you now?