Teen Poetry #6 |
Challenge 1 (Untitled) |
Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
In the backseat I saw the squire He danced on his head While I frowned and He said, ‘my dear What is the matter? Look At how I dance around Here on my head’ I saw, not the squire, But him just then For the first time In quite a while and for All in me that was Like little emotional Donkey pitches I took him And in the sweat, the Breath, and the Old fast food beverage Cups – I cried I felt it then For the very First time, though in Fact, it was not mine Because the shattering Thrill of a serial kill Finally found a way To tell him I said ‘I need you’ Sanity is in itself enough to make you insane. |
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© Copyright 2002 Morgana - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
This is my favourite poem from you. Hands down. It reminded me of a hidden track at the end of the KMFDM album "Xtort." Don't know if anyone in this forum is familiar with it, but it was a pretty cool track... kind of faerie-taleish, spoken, with a disorganized rhyme and unpredictability of content. This poem has a lot of fantasy-ish content.... I love it. Want more info? Here ya go. quote: Well first of all, you're using past tense... I love past tense in this kind of poem, makes the story seem so much more spoken. You have a very subtle rhyme, and a repetition of the third line... those two elements give it just enough lyrical quality to sound like spoken poetry. quote: You take a very slow transition from surreal into real here... mentioning modern concepts such as fast food, which modernize the storyline... I like that... you handled that very well. quote: The shattering thrill of a serial kill... nice anapests there, Morgana. Another subtle rhyme that isn't at the end of both lines... you had a vowel rhyme with "time" and "mine" too which aided the flow... So much in this poem struck me visually... but mostly the spoken tone of how it was told as a story. I truly enjoyed this. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Distractions, distractions keep us from the very things hung. Our dreams just beyond our touch, but there! now! in our hands if only we see through the fog. A wonderful write, memina. At times, the meter stumbles, but otherwise, greatly enjoyed. Sincerely, SaVerite "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." |
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Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Meter? What's a meter? Sanity is in itself enough to make you insane. |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Dark Enchantress~ I really enjoyed this piece. I have to agree with LP. This reads as if you were sitting in the same room telling me the story. Nicely done. You've met the challenge well. Hugs, ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
This is a very good piece... very deep and emotional, and also wonderfully structred. I won't go as far as Local did, though! Great work, though!! Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
hey jam. check your box. i've marked it up a bit. anyways, this was an amazing poem m'dear. you've stolent the words right out of my mouth. you envy me, and i envy you. it all works out in the end. excellent freeverse. /jen/ to give pleasure to a single heart by a single act is better than a thousand heads bowing in prayer. [ghandi] |
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Riley
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
Great, beautiful! Ri ~*I'm not gonna say I'm gorgeous, that for you to decide, if you really wanna know me, see the world through my eyes*~ |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
This was very well written. I liked it so much. Probably one of my favs from you. I loved the tone it was written in. Reminded me of some pieces of mine. Hope to read more from you. This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
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