Teen Poetry #6 |
My Last Acknowledgment of You. |
Adam Alexander Junior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 11Home... |
Of all the things I have inspired it would seem sadness reigns. To me, this means I'm still desired through your madness, and pain. Take what you knew of me, and us and toss it all away. I've begun anew without mistrust I've let you fall astray. I'm stronger now. Smarter now. Faster, higher, better, now. The false perception of my once grand love isnt more than a dream and a memory, thereof. |
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© Copyright 2003 Adam Alexander - All Rights Reserved | |||
chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
This piece seemed to have a calm tone with a touch of bitterness underneath, which was very effective in the way you portray the "last acknowledgement." It was read with ease and understanding with its own sense of complexity. A few suggestions: Extend the line. Don't be afraid of long lines when it comes to rhyming. I found some of the lines cut short and it made the flow a bit bumpy. For example- "Of all the things I have inspired it would seem sadness reigns." The word "reigns" should be moved up to the end of the third line. I realize that you might have put the word "reigns" on a separate line to emphasize the rhyme or importance of the word. However, as a personal opinion, "reigns" might work better if it is added to the third line because flow is important, and when the significance of how a poem flows is acknowledged, the reader will better understand the idea you've presented. The reader can't expect you to do all the work for them now, can they? One last suggestion is to add "the" to the last line of the first stanza to make it "the pain" (again, "the pain" would work better if it was added to the end of the previous line). The meter was a bit off there. I don't have anything else to say, really. I think you did a nice job on this one, and I look forward to seeing more of your writing around this forum! -Leah |
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Usually I reply to the poems I like on here but this piece didn't exactly...float my boat. Personally and honestly I think it was cruel to post this particular one. And besides this, you seem to regret the past...or at least that's how it came off to me. If that's the case, I'm sorry you feel that way. It may be because I have a different outlook on how the past should be remembered. We make mistakes, but whoever this is about...I highly doubt they were a mistake. If I'm wrong in any way, let me know. But what I THINK you are referring to makes me nod my head in disgrace. If this bothers you, sorry but this is how I feel and I thought you should know. ~Jess "At the touch of love, everything becomes a poem." -Plato [This message has been edited by peachesNcream (09-11-2003 03:57 PM).] |
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Adam Alexander Junior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 11Home... |
Good thing I dont write for other people, eh? |
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BabieDoll Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268BFE |
I really do not know who this is about, and I'm afraid to ask...but in all truth I absolutely loved this poem. The way you expressed yourself was wonderfully descriptive and it hit me hard. I see nothing wrong with this poem...at all; not one thing I would want you to change. This is definately a very deep poem for just starting back up into writing. Outstanding piece... ~J.Lynn **To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.** [This message has been edited by BabieDoll (09-12-2003 04:40 PM).] |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Adam... Unfortunate as it is, sometimes the only way to move forward is by being able to let go. You've expressed that well in this piece. Nicely done. ~Vicky When the power of love overcomes the |
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River Senior Member
since 2003-09-16
Posts 627my own little world |
I think you communicated the way you feel very well. it's similer to how i express myself in a poem anyway, so i don't have much critisism to offer, lol, but i thought it was good. a 6 on a scale from 1 - 10. |
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