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Dean
Member

since 1999-11-23

Posts 120
Canada

0 posted 2003-09-10 10:59 PM

I live to prove people wrong,
I’ve spent a  long time gone.
Now is my turn to shine up in the light,
I’m going to show the world how I fight.

I have spent many days wasting and smouldering away,
but I’ve learned and grown to make something of the day.
So all the people can just stand there and wait,
and keep good eye on the golden gate.

Ha ha is that you begging on your knees  now,
who is the one that looks really silly now.
Who’s that strung up hanging  paralysed,
guess what it’s you, and now you’ll be internalized.

Hell is on the horizon so you betting be abiding,
don’t slip or you just might be dieing.
The wind is stirring and heat is rising to the top
Bang, bang and then pop, pop.

James Dean ;)

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2003-09-10 11:12 PM

Dean:

Liked the tone you wrote this one in.

It was light-hearted, but somewhat spiteful; not the usual you would get out of other poems. Thanks for that!

Something you might want to watch out for: double-rhyming. When you're writing in couplets, try not to rhyme the same words right after another. For example-

Ha ha is that you begging on your knees now,
who is the one that looks really silly now.

It makes the reader stop to think abruptly because of the strong feeling of déjà vu. This stopping wrecks what flow there was, and we'd like to avoid that as much as possible.

In any case, I think you did a good job here. Keep up the writing!

-Leah

Dean
Member

since 1999-11-23

Posts 120
Canada

2 posted 2003-09-11 12:30 PM

Thanx alot Leah.

[This message has been edited by Dean (09-11-2003 12:31 AM).]

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

3 posted 2003-09-13 03:58 PM

Well James I enjoyed this, It reminded me of a song I used to know. Very good

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2003-09-14 10:38 PM

interesting style. It just flowed, I couldn't stop reading. This was rather uplifting in a way. very positive...great write.
~Lex

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