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jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

0 posted 2003-09-07 04:24 PM

When the sky turns navy, almost black,
And breeze blows shivers down your back,
When how you feel is on your own,
Remember me, you're not alone.

When all you see is what's not there,
And when it seems that no one cares,
When you've left, and stopped believing,
Remember me, cuz I'm not leaving.

When you need to just let go,
And when your flowers will not grow,
When you think your heart won't bend,
Remember me, always your friend.

Note** This poem was written for a friend of mine that was going through a rough time, I decided to post it on here, to see what you guys think of it.

By: Janna Shaffer Age: 15

yankees01rugby
Junior Member

since 2003-08-13

Posts 48
USA

1 posted 2003-09-07 10:32 PM

this reminds me of my friend and i, we have been friends since first grade and i will always be there for her and i hope she will be there for me when i need it! great write!

Love is like quicksand, the deeper you fall the harder it is to get out

BrokenAngel
Member

since 2002-01-06

Posts 141
Puryear, TN, USA

2 posted 2003-09-08 01:48 PM

A very heartfelt write. Your friend is very lucky to have you.

Read my work and read my thoughts
I'll go back into the night now
---Night Angel

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2003-09-08 06:17 PM

jaysh:

Wow, the meter was almost flawless, and the rhyming was very well done! I really enjoyed this post. I remember reading some of your works before I went missing for a few months, but you've certainly grown poetically.

The message was simple, yet you wrote it beautifully. My only critique? Try not to use "cuz". It's a slang, shortened form for 'because' and I know we all use it when we talk, but the effect spelling and words have on a reader is very important. Instead of 'cuz', try "'cause'". It looks more formal, I understand that, but it makes it look like the poem means more to you than just words...it means you took the time, and time is so valuable.

I'm sure your friend appreciated your poem, since I would have done the same. Keep up the great writing! Hopefully I'll see your poems around on the forum!

-Leah

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-09-08 08:36 PM

Thank you SO much for the read! This was excellent, and I'm sure your friend loved this poem! Sometimes there is no better way to express how you feel about a friendship than in a poem! GREAT WORK! ~Jess

"At the touch of love, everything becomes a poem." -Plato

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

5 posted 2003-09-09 10:49 PM

This brought some tears to my eyes,
A true work of art, there wasn't one word out of place. I don't think I can express all the emotions I got out of this poem,
it means alot to me. Thank you for sharing.

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

6 posted 2003-09-14 01:12 PM

Thanks guys, and yeah Leah, i did feel kind of out of place, when i put cuz in there, like it didnt fit, I'll change it, thanks for commenting, Im glad everyone liked it.

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