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Dustin462
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 23
Selah, WA

0 posted 2003-09-06 04:13 PM

She seems to talk to me
She seems to ask me questions
She seems to find comfort in what I say
She seems to have bad luck
She seems to always find the wrong guy
She seems to find comfort in what I do
But It still isn't what I want
Why can't...
She seem to like me?

Alnilam
Member

since 2003-07-04

Posts 75

1 posted 2003-09-06 05:08 PM

this is very raw. i like it alot the way it is, pure emotion. its a nice read i enjoyed alot thanks

~*Alnilam*~
"The worst tragedy for a poet is to be admired through being misunderstood."

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

2 posted 2003-09-06 08:02 PM

I also enjoyed, it flowed really well. Thanks for sharing

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

3 posted 2003-09-06 08:31 PM

Dustin462:

You have a very straight-forward way of writing, and this is usually a good trait to have when you write poems. However, one of the few things you need to watch out about straight-forwardness is the tone. The tone was a bit too plain and simple, as in the way someone would write their everyday life in a journal: their thoughts, their confusions, their questions...the difference between a some journal entry and a poem is that the thoughts in a poem are expressed uniquely, and presented in a manner that captures someone and makes them think about what you have just written. Poetry is meant to make the reader more reflective, as well as more appreciative of a view point they had not thought of before.

My suggestion to you is to not only read poetry by other authors, but to expand your thoughts and ideas. For example, instead of "She seems to ask me questions", expand on it:

"She seems to ask me questions that I can't answer."

Another example for "She seems to find comfort in what I say":

"She seems to find comfort in what I say, though I find none for myself."

These are only suggestions that I think will get you on your way to improving your poetry. Play around with words, but do watch out for clichés.

You have room to grow as a poet; the potential is there...you just have to shake it up a bit.

Hope you keep on writing! I look forward to your next post.

-Leah

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