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OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

0 posted 2003-08-12 11:04 PM

I always wanted to be alone
Not just alone, but out of the way
Not independant, but not afraid
I dig too deep, and now I've fallen
To the bottom of the hole I made.
It fills with water
I find I'm drowning in my own tears
But at least here I'm out of the way
It's not independence, it's not fear
I'm just tired of choking on life.

I really dono what this is its just what came out. Sorry if it stinks... hold your nose and press the "back" button.

Kaoru

Member Elite

since 2003-06-07

Posts 3892
where the wild flowers grow

1 posted 2003-08-12 11:45 PM

Anyone know the heimlich?!

Great write, sweets.

I understood.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2003-08-13 06:11 PM

wow cassie, not your best but even your not so good poems are good. The title drew me in, the idea of choking on life. That line made this poem great to me. Thanks..

Lex

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

3 posted 2003-08-14 12:24 PM

I have quite a few of those "just kinda popped out" poems so I understand you there sometimes you just have to vent! Nice job hun, I enjoyed the the play of words choking on life, very imaginitive yet also very true.
~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

4 posted 2003-08-14 09:24 PM

Ooo...I like this a lot. I find myself in this situation every now and then. I think this flowed very well. Nice write.

"I would sleep forever, if it meant I'd never stop dreaming..."

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

5 posted 2003-08-16 08:23 PM

I like it.

In fact, I wish I could write in that random, not exactly formatted, rhyming but it's hard to figure out how sort of way. I'm sort of stuck in the formatting rut.

ANYWAY, I like your random poetry better than most planned-out poetry.

Keep it up!

-Lioness

Xelorz
Junior Member

since 2003-08-16

Posts 10
Burlington, Ontario, Canada

6 posted 2003-08-16 11:19 PM

Poetry is at its best when it's spontaneous. I found your poem quite clever.

~Xelorz

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

7 posted 2003-08-22 05:04 AM

Hey hun, glad to see your still here.  This was pretty good, but you could make a few improvments.

"I always wanted to be alone
Not just alone, but out of the way"

I think the second line would be better by getting rid of the not just alone part and emphasizing more on the being out of the way aspect.

"Not independant, but not afraid"

I'm not sure how this contradication(being alone and out of the way: not being independent) fits.  Maybe you could clarify?

"I dig too deep, and now I've fallen
To the bottom of the hole I made."

This I like.  Symbolism always does it for me.

"It fills with water"
Whoa, where did this come from.  I personally think this line needs to have some life to it.  It's too short, too quick.  Maybe elaborate a little more.  This short abrupt sentence threw me off for the next lines.  Unless you were going for the harshness of it?

"I find I'm drowning in my own tears'
Maybe find some way to combine this sentence with the previous and create 2 new sentences.

"But at least here I'm out of the way
It's not independence, it's not fear"
I like the sad tone you seem to be expressing in these lines.  It fits more with the tone from the first couple sentences of the poem.

"I'm just tired of choking on life."
So life is all tears?

This was a good poem, if you revised it and expanded your emotions more I think it could be a really good or even great one.  Keep up the good work.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

8 posted 2003-08-22 09:21 PM

AARON WOODSIDE!!!

ahhh i didn't even read your post and i wanted to say:

I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! I MISSED YOU~!!!

ahh ok now i'll actually READ that entry!

~cassiopeia

sixington
Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 53
Utah

9 posted 2003-08-23 12:42 PM

i really felt this one. i loved the "i dig too deep." you are a very talented writer. nice job! ~Amanda

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