"Broken Record" (A rather hapless piece of poemness.)

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chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

0 posted 2003-05-25 07:17 PM

Somewhere, in the coldest part of town, I never thought I'd be so close
To losing nothing.
A lost hope from the lamplight, flickering,
Spat embers dropping down to the concrete street
Waiting for an old flame to pass by and maybe stay a while.
I drove past an old gray building,
Once blue with the seasons changing, hoping to find the note you left one day
To pass the time in boredom.
But now, even I can't see the heart from here, the one you carved,
The one I thought you loved in me
And even with your name in lights
I missed the turn back onto the highway home,
Playing the record we once broke
That skips through everything.

* * * * *
*sigh* I'm in one of those moods again. (x_X) I apologize.

-Leah

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2003-05-25 07:23 PM

*hugs* don't apologize. If nothing else you got a beautiful poem out of it

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

2 posted 2003-05-25 08:38 PM

Ever noticed that "those moods" are the ones in which you write the best? I think I'm always in some kind of a "mood." Perhaps all writers are. Maybe it's the passion that makes us want to write... need to write... that makes us live and love, fear and hope, jump into everything with all our hearts.

I love your poem, chasing rain...

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

3 posted 2003-05-25 09:46 PM

hey, I like the poem. I got some cool images in my head while reading it. It's really good.

blueyedlioness I've noticed the same thing in myself. I seem to throw myself into things where I know I'm going to get hurt, maybe just for the amount of raw emotion that comes from it, and how I write after things have happened. Some people can write about simple things, like a flower or something. I can't do that. I can't write unless I'm very emotional about the subject. Well, I've talked up one wall and down another, so I guess I'll quit. LoL.
Jen

Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their
ground. --Anonymous

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

4 posted 2003-05-25 11:50 PM

Moods..aren't they great? My problem is I get into them and can't seem to escape..It's like I get stuck on repeat mode..As to the poem..lovely, breathtakingly so..the pure stream of emotion goes straight into the soul...sigh...The last two lines were my favorite, perfect ending
~Live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

[This message has been edited by *Belabebeautiful* (05-25-2003 11:52 PM).]

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

5 posted 2003-05-26 12:21 PM

Ahh...what a beautifully sad poem. I like poems that make me just sit back and think...and this one definetly accomplished that. Really beautiful write.

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

6 posted 2003-05-27 09:41 AM

Hapless indeed, Leah.

The imagery throughout is beautiful, I love the metaphor between the cold town and the chambers of your heart. Interesting. It works. The first two lines strike the first chord, telling of such emptiness that there's virtually nothing gained to lose in the first place. While that's bittersweet, it sends a message that the life of the character is plain. Nothing exciting, but maybe nothing boring either.

The lamplight confused me. Does it represent thoughts of the character, the swarming in the head, or does it represent more of the heart, the confusion of being torn between pain and, possibly, love? It seems to go both ways, with the next line describing an old flame...

The use of the building was beautiful. I had a clear picture in my head of an old, vacant building, colors changing from vibrant to dead as years pass by without hope. This instantly leads into the emptiness inside, notes left in both, with his name written across the top of each. What a painful reminder.

That record must be a comfort in times like that... the one that skips through the pain, an obvious distraction from what the feelings must be within.

Leah, while I thought this was beautiful (you know I like the somber ones) this isn't the best I've read from you. The imagery is still beautiful, and still quite flawless, but there's something missing that makes the most recent from you astounding. Maybe I missed something in reading... but somehow, I don't think I did.

*shrugs* When I can put my finger on it, I'll come back. No poem from you is anything less than beautiful... therefore, no apology is needed, you silly goose.

Wonderful work. Please post more... I look forward to them every day.

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (05-27-2003 12:23 PM).]

SCREAMIN
Member

since 2003-04-28

Posts 51
US, Tx

7 posted 2003-05-27 04:10 PM

that was nothing less of beautiful.

congrats, you've got a heckofalotta talent!

cant wait for the next one.

But soft, what light through yonder window break. It is the east, and Juliet is the sun...

WindSong
Member

since 2002-12-23

Posts 313
Long Island, New York

8 posted 2003-05-28 03:53 PM

This was so nice. I'm listening to a song "the rose", it aids in the picturesque moments you possessed in this. I really enjoyed it. It sets a strong tone. I liked it a lot...~*kirah*~

"Your companions are like the buttons on an elevator, they will either take you up or they will take you down."
"Life is not measured by the moments

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2003-06-25 05:06 PM

Great Writing, a little different for you but I really like it

Andrew

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

10 posted 2003-06-26 11:04 AM

Great poem! LOVED the imagery...

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

11 posted 2003-08-22 05:15 AM

Ok first off hun, you need to post more, so that on the few occasions I deign to come back and visit, I don't have to go searching through 400+ posts to find your latest and greatest.

Second I liked this.  Not as good as some of your others, but nonetheless still good.  It gave off(at least to me) a kind of victorian age feel to it all.  Not sure if that's even remotely what you intended but it's what I got out of it.

Anyway just stopping in to say hi.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI

sixington
Member

since 2003-07-14

Posts 53
Utah

12 posted 2003-08-22 11:44 PM

I loved it! it's so detailed, so constructed but still free form. You wrote amzingly, and i love how the last line of the poem is the title, instead of it being obvious immediately. I loved it!

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