Shooting asphalt - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

0 posted 2003-07-30 09:32 PM

I'm shooting at the asphalt and chuncks are flying in my eyes, chunks of flesh and rocks.
In amist it all are these bullets
that caress my skin.
What have I done to myself?
You say your sorry.
You didn't do this to me.
I did it to myself.
I let myself give in.
Too open, too honest, too ignorant.
I've rode this roller coaster one too many times.
This emotional ride.
a virtual high.
Someone hand me a gun.
Something other then this candy coated blood.
I want to see it all come through.
all the pain.
Let it seep past the walls of my veins.
Rocks and flesh.
But still I'm not dead.
Their off to sceme and teach me a new lesson.

I know this is pretty morbid. but...its how I feel So please just be considerate. thanks.
~Lex

[This message has been edited by Lexy (07-30-2003 09:59 PM).]

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

1 posted 2003-07-31 12:11 PM

I think that it could be better, but I do like it. I like that its "morbid". I'd have to wonder how honest you were being if it wasn't. Maybe I'm without cents...

jaime.

the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots

katherine
Member

since 2000-06-10

Posts 365
Canberra Australia

2 posted 2003-07-31 06:34 AM

i like it it's good but i think it could be awesome. maybe doing something to it could help with getting the crap out. I hope things get better!

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

3 posted 2003-07-31 02:34 PM

*hatred is with you*

good write.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

4 posted 2003-08-01 12:57 PM

I'm loving the imagery that I'm getting out of this, and I especailly like the title it caught my eye immediatly. There are a few places that you could perhaps tweak with a little bit to allow the flow to move better but I get the sneaking suspecion that this was a complete venting poem in which case you honestly don't really care how it sounds you just needed to get it out!! I been there, got quite a few of those myself and they always make me feel at least a little better when I'm done. Good write.
~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

5 posted 2003-08-01 03:26 PM

Yes, this is very much a venting piece. Looking back at it, I'm thinking: who wrote this. Thanks for your replies. I know I could do better. I might come back when not so tender and work on this.
~Lex

jaysh
Member

since 2003-04-16

Posts 133
IL, USA

6 posted 2003-08-02 12:58 PM

It was a good right, could use a little work, but over all I liked it, your very discriptive, personally I would have put this one on the Dark Poetry Board, but thats just me, I mean I dont have a problem with it here or anything, I just think it would be more fitting, but none-the-less, great write!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.