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blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

0 posted 2003-06-30 02:24 PM

White brick walls will echo softly
With the rhythms in your head
Footsteps creeping, walking softly
With the echoes of the dead
Feel the quiet deep within you
Feel its fatal, silent breath
Hear the thoughts your mind thinks of you
Feel the danger in their death

Faint whispers whisper close behind
Just a wind lost in the night?
Or are those footsteps close behind
Running... running... with the light?
Darkness ripples in its hatred
See it cringe at each lost sin
Hear its laughter, evil hatred
Silent, silent... deep within

Smiles of wonder, eyes of hope
Innocence turns to brutal pain
Only the foolish hold on to hope
And only the wise are labeled insane
Insanity staring at white brick walls
Curled and screaming on white beds
Trapped by the walls, the walls, the walls...
Trapped by the echoes inside my head

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

1 posted 2003-06-30 04:45 PM

wow, what an intense write! very cool, my only suggestion is that I would have changed one line,

"Faint whispers whisper close behind"

to..
Faint whispers, close behind
but that is just me....either way, it's fantastic

Song_for_Serenity
Member

since 2003-05-28

Posts 97
USA

2 posted 2003-06-30 04:54 PM

Hey there! SEA is right, this was an intense poem. You're a talented writer. I don't really have any suggestions. Have a spiffy day!

~Angela
"Anything less than mad, passionate love is wasting your time...Life has too many mediocre things in it, love shouldn't be one of them..."

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

3 posted 2003-07-01 11:02 PM

wowwww thats soooo good. really good. I like it a lot. I swear when you have your first book i'm gonna be first in line for it!!!

~cassi

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

4 posted 2003-07-05 06:13 PM

once again i am wowwed by a beautiful choice of words that is the lioness.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

5 posted 2003-08-01 08:53 PM

A great image you created, definately a piece that kept my attention, I like the part about the insane. keep it up. "Hear the thoughts your mind thinks of you." not really possible, but I love the insanity of it. My favorite line.
~Lex

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