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Teen Poetry #6

Suggestions needed!

Cinderelly
Member

since 2001-12-31

Posts 189
NM, USA

0 posted 2003-06-30 12:34 PM

As the snow fell,
(no, floated)
that day that the mail finally came.

A letter from you,
6 months,
(6 long months)
you’ve been gone.

A "Wish you were here"
and "Be home before you know it"
is all I have to
warm those winter nights.

Nights and days alike
spent filling out college applications,
(ok, spent thinking of you)
are all that keep us apart now.

Apart isn’t the word for it though
(separately together is more like it)
because you’re never far from my heart.

This seems all wrong and I can't think of a title . . . Help! -Jamie

Obsolete
Junior Member

since 2003-06-27

Posts 43

1 posted 2003-06-30 12:39 PM

"Wrong"? You're crazy! I thought it was beautiful and honest.

As for title, that's up to you.

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2003-06-30 01:58 AM

nope, this rocks and I am no good at titles myself, I'm sure you will come up with one

Mad_Hatter
Member

since 2003-06-29

Posts 393
Canada

3 posted 2003-06-30 07:54 AM

The poem is great the way it is. In my opinion I would entitle it seperately together. Just a suggestion

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

4 posted 2003-06-30 10:17 PM

Hmm, how 'bout "cold nights" or "thoughts or you".
I really enjoyed this poem. The format was good, nice flow.
Since I haven't read your work before,
WELCOME to piptalk!!

Im glad you're here, and I hope you enjoy your stay, however long that is.
Once again, Well done.

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

5 posted 2003-06-30 10:51 PM

If you consider this "wrong", I look forward to reading something you consider "good". I agree with whoever said "Separately Alone" would be a good title. I don't know. I'm really no good at comeing up with titles, but anyway, good job.

-Jen

I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. -Kurt Cobain

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