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infinite disaster
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 69
Illinois

0 posted 2003-06-12 10:34 PM

No longer can she fight
Losing her strength
Losing the fire in her eyes
Eyes now becoming icy
With tears slowly building
She is slowly losing herself
Once knowing who she was
Losing a grip of everything she once knew
Spirits slowly dying
She falls to the ground
Unwilling to get back up
To fight once more
She can no longer stand up
Strangers stop to try to help her
Only pushing them away, she does
Wanting help, but her pride stands in the way
No one can see her this way
No one can see her vulnerable
For one last time, she stands on her own
But with the breeze of the wind
She falls again

tonia
Junior Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 41
taiwan

1 posted 2003-06-13 08:54 AM

i like the way you portray the character's personality and situation...very realisitic.
in addition,i think it would be fantastic if you could elaborate your poem into a story...i bet it'll be quite touching
tonia =)

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

2 posted 2003-06-13 05:10 PM

Wow...I think this is SOOO good, you have no idea! This was the most beautiful poem I've read in a long time! Wonderful job...definitely keep writing and keep posting!!!

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

3 posted 2003-06-15 04:59 PM

Well done -- I like this! You caught the feel of this tough old bird, and carried it all the way through.

~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸¸¸ºº> ~~(¸¸ ¸¸ºº> ~~~(¸¸ER¸¸ºº>
______________Ratleader______________

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-06-15 08:44 PM

This is a great poem! This reminds me of a certain *someone* that I know...Good job! ~Jess

"If I could give you one gift it would be my eyes...So you could see how it feels to be me looking at you." -Unknown

NickTofteland
Member

since 2003-06-13

Posts 74
MN, USA

5 posted 2003-06-15 09:06 PM

I agree with tonia... if you could place this image into the form of a story, this wonderful poem could be transformed into a masterpiece.

Psalms 20:7 "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God."

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