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Teen Poetry #6
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Unreal
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Unreal |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Standing over myself Watching As my life falls apart Because I can't stand Living inside While he breaks my heart Tears apart my life Betrays my trust Pretends not to lie I stepped off the edge Falling My only prayer That waiting at the bottom Hidden in the mist He'd be there To catch me in his arms But now I can only see Rocks laid by sea and storm I was upset and crying Broken He was there for me When it didn't involve him I thought He could be Hopes and dreams That once again Don't mean anything I think I'm watching myself Dying I think I'm going back I think I'll just relive The past At least then I couldn't think At least then I couldn't feel Going back 'cause I was happy Not being real Unreadable, untouchable Perfect I can be whatever you ask Mold me into your dreams And bask In the sunlight of fantasy Until I decide to leave Until I get tired of what you make me And he doesn't exist anymore Erased It's all pretend Just someone's imagination Truth always lies They don't understand I realize now that he Was just another mold Of something I couldn't be Now I vanish in the night Pretend again to love the light You can't find me 'cause I'm fake And dreams can't stay when dreamers wake |
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| © Copyright 2003 Laura - All Rights Reserved | |||
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spritrider87 Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294NH |
i love it. it describes my life so perfectly and how i want to go back to being a mold. keep writing it helps. i am in trouble but no one knows it if you can figure out my messages thenhelp me. |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
I liked this a lot. Very good. Thanks for the read. If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain. |
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LegalSecret69 Member
since 2003-06-04
Posts 69Virginia |
I'm speechless...this poem was amazing. You have so much talent, and so much expression.I'll be looking..so keep posting! "Secret" |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
You always have a way with words...it's great to read something simply put with so much emotion behind it all. I really enjoy reading your posts.  The format is very easy to follow, and very consistent. I liked the way you had a single word at the second line of each stanza (except the last) to make it stand out. However, it was good of you to change the last stanza's format. Again, the reader is more prone to notice it and it adds more interest to the poem. I absolutely love the last stanza. The flow just made it seem more beautiful and bittersweet, and your word choice couldn't be better. Content-wise, this poem is more than just a story. Stories just give you the facts, and you go beyond that to display exactly your opinion and how you feel about it. You have a lot of potential to go further with your poetry writing, and I wouldn't mind seeing something of a different genre or topic. I think it would be very refreshing for this forum to see something different from you because you do have a very distinct style. So why not expand your talent? Keep up the great work! -Leah  |
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Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I'm with Leah on all counts (my comments are so original lol) |
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lingering thoughts Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 70Illinois, USA |
i really like this one ... my favorite would have to be the last line : And dreams can't stay when dreamers wake I wouldnt have thought of that ! i just wish i wrote it ! haha %% anyways good job ! keep writing |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
I don't have the words to convey how deeply this touched me and how absolutly amazing this piece is. The last line was superb, it's my favorite I think but there are so many sections that I just love I'm having a hard time deciding. well done!! ~live and Laugh~ Always strive for excellence never perfection. |
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