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Teen Poetry #6
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blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA

0 posted 2003-06-02 09:31 PM



Standing over myself
Watching
As my life falls apart
Because I can't stand
Living inside
While he breaks my heart
Tears apart my life
Betrays my trust
Pretends not to lie

I stepped off the edge
Falling
My only prayer
That waiting at the bottom
Hidden in the mist
He'd be there
To catch me in his arms
But now I can only see
Rocks laid by sea and storm

I was upset and crying
Broken
He was there for me
When it didn't involve him
I thought
He could be
Hopes and dreams
That once again
Don't mean anything

I think I'm watching myself
Dying
I think I'm going back
I think I'll just relive
The past
At least then I couldn't think
At least then I couldn't feel
Going back 'cause I was happy
Not being real

Unreadable, untouchable
Perfect
I can be whatever you ask
Mold me into your dreams
And bask
In the sunlight of fantasy
Until I decide to leave
Until I get tired of what you make me

And he doesn't exist anymore
Erased
It's all pretend
Just someone's imagination
Truth always lies
They don't understand
I realize now that he
Was just another mold
Of something I couldn't be

Now I vanish in the night
Pretend again to love the light
You can't find me 'cause I'm fake
And dreams can't stay when dreamers wake

© Copyright 2003 Laura - All Rights Reserved
spritrider87
Member
since 2003-05-31
Posts 294
NH
1 posted 2003-06-03 03:44 PM


i love it. it describes my life so perfectly and how i want to go back to being a mold.
keep writing it helps.

i am in trouble but no one knows it if you can figure out my messages thenhelp me.

Spine Grinder
Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...
2 posted 2003-06-04 03:10 PM


I liked this a lot. Very good. Thanks for the read.

If You Wanna See A Rainbow, You've Gotta Live Through The Rain. And If You Wanna See Through Love, You've Gotta Live Through The Pain.

LegalSecret69
Member
since 2003-06-04
Posts 69
Virginia
3 posted 2003-06-07 10:17 AM


I'm speechless...this poem was amazing. You have so much talent, and so much expression.I'll be looking..so keep posting! "Secret"
chasing rain
Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737
Canada
4 posted 2003-06-07 12:37 PM


blueyedlioness-

You always have a way with words...it's great to read something simply put with so much emotion behind it all. I really enjoy reading your posts.

The format is very easy to follow, and very consistent. I liked the way you had a single word at the second line of each stanza (except the last) to make it stand out. However, it was good of you to change the last stanza's format. Again, the reader is more prone to notice it and it adds more interest to the poem.

I absolutely love the last stanza. The flow just made it seem more beautiful and bittersweet, and your word choice couldn't be better.

Content-wise, this poem is more than just a story. Stories just give you the facts, and you go beyond that to display exactly your opinion and how you feel about it.

You have a lot of potential to go further with your poetry writing, and I wouldn't mind seeing something of a different genre or topic. I think it would be very refreshing for this forum to see something different from you because you do have a very distinct style. So why not expand your talent?

Keep up the great work!

-Leah
Skyfire
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381
Riding
5 posted 2003-06-07 03:42 PM


I'm with Leah on all counts
(my comments are so original lol)

lingering thoughts
Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 70
Illinois, USA
6 posted 2003-06-08 03:53 PM


i really like this one ... my favorite would have to be the last line :
And dreams can't stay when dreamers wake
I wouldnt have thought of that !
i just wish i wrote it ! haha %%
anyways good job ! keep writing

*Belabebeautiful*
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Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
7 posted 2003-06-09 01:10 AM


I don't have the words to convey how deeply this touched me and how absolutly amazing this piece is. The last line was superb, it's my favorite I think but there are so many sections that I just love I'm having a hard time deciding. well done!!
~live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

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