»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Cherry Pie
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Cherry Pie |
|
|
Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Never penalized a girl for ribbons, but with the dress – well then she deserves what she gets He said to me what do you expect? You can’t get away with that And I said so this is your bliss If you can always pick the cherries from my pie and then refuse to lick your fingers you will never know what it’s like on the inside Sept. 16, 2002 "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Morgana - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I like this. A good balance was established in the line sizes, which helped it flow better. It sounds so spoken, this poem has some very nice vocal hints that are a treat to read. You might be better served to use quotation marks when you have a character in your poem speaking, though. That's one thing I noticed. Of course, I understand if you'd rather not... just a preference. Parasite Learn to place poetry before people Before you place your poetry before the people. ~Andrey Kneller [This message has been edited by Local Parasite (09-16-2002 02:11 PM).] |
||
|
anya Member
since 2002-07-27
Posts 393London, UK |
I thought this was very interesting, I like to see something a bit different and origional, and as Parasite said it has a really good flow to it, anya |
||
|
sean_krazy Junior Member
since 2002-09-14
Posts 33 |
its real nice...u r right though. u wont know how anything tastes until u get a good lick from ur fingers...usually what ppl taste is the outside... good one sean (sean_krazy) |
||
PoetryIsLife 
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Alluring. I feel the mist. Sincerely, Titus "I'll prepare myself, and one day my time will come." |
||
|
Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Interesting piece. Great thoughts here...some intruiging symbolism. LOVED the critique message...haha.... Why is it that we are at our most ingenius only when trying to destroy the things that keep us alive and thriving? |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
I agree with Jenn both on the poem and the critique message. I don't know what I expected from the title, but I loved what I read. I have a lizard, and his name is Jake. |
||
|
fearing-laughter Senior Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 605land of cheese (Wisconsin) |
hey, that was an interesting piece, i actually found myself thinking of it as sexual, but then i was like "shut up Bergundy! not everyone is as perverted as you are!" lol. so maybe it is, maybe it isn't..reguardless, it's still neat. haha that pry made me sound like an ass, oh well. s'all i have to say about that. "crack my head open, on your kitchen floor. to prove to you, that i have brains." -Alkaline Trio [This message has been edited by fearing-laughter (09-18-2002 03:07 AM).] |
||
|
Dark Enchantress Senior Member
since 1999-07-27
Posts 1258meet Morgana |
Actually, it is sexual.  "you don't need one of these to let me inside of you" T.A. |
||
|
SunShine913
since 2001-08-19
Posts 211Italy but from NC |
i really like this.. this was great and i agree with what Jenn said .. hehe i put some ummm "good" thoughts in my head. thank you for sharing im looking for many more. *!~!* Andrea *!~!* |
||
|
cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
I bet his fingers smell slightly fishy..  Great write Jaime  Are you scared? BOO! Are you now? |
||
|
anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Ooo wow. Wow a million times over. You always write with such an amazing intensity, Jaime. The bluntness is what strikes me most. It's right out there, essentially saying take it or leave it. Much enjoyed. Thanks for the read. ~AF~ "No wonder I do not make people comfortable. I am a mirror. I have far too many things to say." - Mouthing the Words |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*snickers at CHERISH!!!!!!* I wasn't too sure about this one at first cause I thought it was just my perverted mind, but I guess I was right. I love how you're posting more Jaime This one is just way too cool  I have a lizard, and his name is Jake. |
||
|
Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
sweet!! she's my cherry pie is suck in my head!! urgh...but am I the only one from the title could derive that it was sexual!?  yanno I loved it nonetheless..I'm somewhere between the alley and the gutter lol...seriously your poems are always refreshing and I so wish I could let myself go as you do and just write like that..amazing stuff!If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried. |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
mmmmmmm... i really did enjoy this one. but i found that it almost melted all together. perhaps there's a way that you could distinguish the different layers to this pie? and kudos for the critique message. nice work jam. ::grins:: /jen/ i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister. |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
I'm curious... after rereading the poem, not being sick and all, I have just one question - what will he not feel on the inside? I have a few ideas, but I'm not sure which is correct. And I forgot most of what you told me about the poem, because, well, I was sick then too, I'm sure. A wonderful read, memina, then and now.  Can we see some more, me dear?  Sincerely, SaVerite "My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems." (2002 Copyright) [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-13-2002 10:32 PM).] |
||
|
Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Ooooo this poem rocked. I really liked it a lot in every way possible. Especially in the way it was meant to be. More!  This post has been brought to you by the 'Totally Awesome Society of Puerto Rican Egotistical Sexy Men'. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
