»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Disappearing
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Disappearing |
|
|
blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Okay, so this is not at ALL like what I usually write. One of my rather pathetic attempts at free verse. However, this is the first one I'm not embarrassed to let people read. I was in a weird mood last night... if you want to know, you can read my journal... ya know, on my website. Right, enough talking... Confusion The last glance tonight As I walked away Flipped my hair back And looked over my shoulder At you Staring at me in Confusion I'm slipping Slowly fading away You followed me to the door Stopped and watched me You don't know why But I Have to go I'm slipping Disappearing Out of your life Getting harder to see I know you wonder What's happening to me But someday I'll be gone Disappearing Silence Was I ever there? Where am I now? You briefly hold on But the memories vanish As I did Now you're left with Silence |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Laura - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
wvplayernotreally Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 215yakima wa |
That was super good. Not pathetic at all. I liked it " I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking." |
||
*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
If that was pathetic I can't wait untill you put one out that you think is good!! But I guess everyone is there own worst critic right? I thouroly(sp??) enjoyed this piece. But I'm one of those crazy people that like to read poems that are a little off and a little abstract! Enjoyable read, thanks ~Live and Laugh~ Always strive for excellence never perfection. |
||
|
Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Nahh, not pathetic, but not your best. The structure is the same as you always seem to use, which, in a poem like this which shows sorrow and a more "flowing" emotion, if you will, the short lines seem to take away from the point that you're trying to make. The short lines are more like a hiccup, likely to be used while expressing rage or craziness or a more staggered emotion. The content is great, and you put a lot of yourself into this, especially if the situation did not really happen. The last stanza was definitely my favorite, with the repitition of the last line. The emphasis leaves the reader with the same feeling of sorrow you're giving off. Well done here. Like I said, a good poem, but I've read better from you. Keep writing. --Marie "You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life) |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
