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Teen Poetry #6
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Erased Memories
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Erased Memories |
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Memories, They’re all I feel, Fake fire is burning, Slowly but quickly, No fear, Breaking the system, My morals go alone, Far away from where they’re welcome, Cigarette smoke fades, As I lose myself once again, Crawling is what I feel up my spine, The sorrow is reflecting, I see it on my frozen heart, Confusion invades my mind, My eyes quickly slide across the room, Dust is all I see in the sky, Blurring my thoughts, As I close the door, Voices are screaming in morbid wails, As if being slain, One desperate soul at a time, Slowly killing and filling... Them with hate, The love of yesterday is erased. "What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly." |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jessica Dodson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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snoduck Member
since 2002-11-15
Posts 99Selah, WA |
All I can say is WOW! I liked this one. Very sensitive. I like poems with a lot of emotion, it just makes them so much better. You're a talented writer, thanks for posting! -Erica- |
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AlostHeart Member
since 2003-05-01
Posts 78Wisconsin, U.S. |
REALLY REALLY GOOD WRITE... Lots of things were going through my head. Good job and keep up the work. ~Tori Louise~ Dont ever love a guy that will never love you back, no matter how hard you try. |
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Fading Away
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131Lynchburg, Virginia |
Peaches, this is an interesting write! You are a talented writer, and while I enjoy reading your work, I believe that this is not one of your best works. *Cracks knuckles* Here I go... The opening of the poem was very strong! It was interesting to see you use the connotation of feeling with memories, something often not done. Memories are always something that many remember, or incorporate to the past, but rarely feel. The following lines are almost thought of differently due to this. The image of the fake fire creeping quickly without fear was awesome. Clear pictures erupted in my head of flames around someone of invincible powers. Once again, a good image of your morals traveling into an environment where they obviously don’t belong, causing you to lose yourself just as the bad fades... However, this is where the poem becomes quite “choppy,” for lack of a better word. The lines from here to the end of the poem sound very elementary, as if you were filling in blanks from certain words a teacher might have given you to begin each line. For instance: “Crawling is what I feel up my spine.” “The sorrow is reflecting.” “Dust is all I see in the sky.” “Voices are screaming in morbid wails.” I would suggest going back and switching around words to make these thought flow a little easier as the transition from one to another takes place. For example, you said crawling is what I feel. Maybe this could be turned around to “sensations of...” Do you follow what I am saying? One more thought – at the end of the poem, the last couple of lines say: “Slowly killing and filling.../Them with hate” This is confusing with the dots, making the two lines sound like two completely different ideas, one having nothing to do with the other. After reading the ending several times through, I began to understand your meaning. This was a very interesting poem. The ideas were deep and thought provoking. I enjoy your poetry... it often brings out inspiration in my own fingers, and for that, I thank you. While I believe that in poetry, there should never be a final copy of any poem, I also believe you should work a little on this one before you abandon it. Thanks for the read, Peaches. Again, you are a talented writer. I enjoyed this. --Marie "You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life) |
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blackandwhitehorizon Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183an akward state of mind |
This is very, very good. "Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up; these are the best days of our lives" |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Well, that was inspiring. I think I'll go write now...  Amazing. I love the anger you put into it. -Lioness |
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