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Teen Poetry #6
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Fallen Sun
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Fallen Sun |
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HardHitter Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 23 |
Smiling, laughing, we could talk forever, happiness comes over me whenever we are together. Late night talks on the phone, talking when the sun comes up, you had everything of mine, my heart was yours, yup. I never thought anything would go wrong, but I guess it was obvious that I did not belong. My heart could feel us falling apart each day, but I would try to cover it up, so I would not feel grey. Last day of school, I thought I was supposed to be glad, but the whole day I thought about you, I was sad. I knew that I liked you a lot, but did not know your feelings, I guess this is just one of life's dealings. Thinking that we would not be able to stay apart, telling me things won't work out broke my heart. The pain that I already suffer, is now worse, who would of thought that I would be curse. I am not mad, cause I want what is best for you, I am just sad cause I can not be with you. I want you to know that my heart was yours, now it is washed away in the ocean shores. I feel lost without you, my soul just a roam, I will miss you a lot, waiting for you to lead me home. The good times we together, I will never forget, as the love from my heart falls, to this final sunset. [This message has been edited by HardHitter (05-24-2003 03:51 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Brian James Watson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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HardHitter Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 23 |
any comments/suggestions? |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
Hey, I like this. I felt that way once...I loved someone so much that I just wanted him to be happy even if it meant he wasn't gonna be with me. As for the poem, it was pretty good. The only thing that bothered me was that the rhyme sounded a little too forced in some spots, like adding the "yup". To me that was a little distracting. Also, the meter was kinda off, like there were too many syllables in some places and not enough in others. Sorry to sound so critical, I did like the poem. ~*~Jenni~*~ Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
oh yeah and I like the title and how it ties in at the end. Jen Every oak tree started out as a couple of nuts who stood their |
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HardHitter Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 23 |
Thanks, don't worry about criticising, always room for improvment. |
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Riley 
since 2002-07-18
Posts 1038in the pouring rain |
First off, I liked the concept of your poem. It was very good, but like the above was mentioned, the rhyming was very forced in some places. The yup at the beginning threw me off big time. Maybe you should try one poem, not rhyming and see how it turns out. Anyways, it was good, just work on it a bit. Riley Leanne *the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time* |
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HardHitter Junior Member
since 2003-03-25
Posts 23 |
Could you help me fix it up then because I think I'm going to re-write it and give it to her at the end of the week. Which lines do you think I need to fix and what are some suggestions? |
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