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Ink
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Ink |
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IndigoEve Member
since 2003-01-10
Posts 279Etched in the illusion of time 
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I am having a hard time understanding this poem. It could be because this one is profound, or perhaps a bit too wordy...I'll let you decide.  The ink is black, Dripping slowly from my pen. I inscribe a verse or two, Showing what my eyes do not To this aching world. Flickering thoughts in an imagination, So profound; Though losing the grip on reality. Ashen portrait I painted today, With my rendition of thoughtless crimes. I murdered the paper, Tearing it apart, Scattering the shards around me. New sheets I choose carefully, Hand-picked in my mind; I watched as I stained each line. The soundless voice within, Uttering beauty and fluid speech; Silent, Crying? Waiting for someone To pick up on its tears, Whisking them away So the clouds can clutch this sadness, Tacit and low. I can barely attain any meaning; My fingers control the movement, Fashioning bold creations of fluency All their own. Things that dance on my tongue, Or play on perception's edge I compose. Lingering inside all the illusions, Envisioning tiny miracles To set aside, Aloof and drifting, I abide in this unmet place of mine? The company of stars, Sharing critical mysteries Of the balance 'tween here and now, Still teetering upon a thread. Expressions, soft and light, Weighing down awkward motions, Pour forth steadily, Nearly filling a vibrant stream To cool my aching head. I delight In this solace of oblivion; An overlay of the unreal, Only bringing out more of me. Behold, You staring world! This is I now; It will not change. Beautiful weeping is heard; Soothing comfort to be found From amongst the rubble Of passion's deep canyon. My own tears water the soil, Springing out precious notions, Unborn And unsleeping, To grace the walk to Eden, Hand-in-hand, right by my side. I emit my beloved daydreams; Anything I feel is there, Upon this parchment? Whispering to the air around, Sweet secrets only abstractions tell, Dwindling fair upon my brow. I cannot savor the delicacy for very long; Snatched away by fleeing wishes, Escaping the scene Where my heart should die. Stormy seas of the moonlight Threaten to engulf this eve, Waking the senses of bewilderment, And trying to heighten The impression of unease. Without my sanity, Without any bit left for me to hold, I may give in; Leaving my lyrics unfinished, Hauntingly unspoken, Within the shadows doubt casts slow. Foolish, simple brilliance, Only beams reflecting off the lake, Sallow and unpolished; Presumption at its greatest. Take away This useless fancy, Disregard the shimmering lies. My own eyes see The worthless mirror Is still throwing mirages; Furtive, Sly. I will pick up my writings, And move on. Nothing is tying me here; Nothing, That I will not fight. Heavy words hastily scribbled Without thought, Betraying not a glimpse As to what I think, Within this will of mine. Surreptitious eyes you will see, Glinting playfully at the sun? Lost in the depths of solitude, Pondering Upon musings, Absently gone without a trace. Eloquent scripting; The scratch of my pen as it scrawls 'Cross the paper, Crinkling its thin creases, Smoothing out the lines worn by My vexatious sighs. These words build a wall Around my soul; Not a noise let in, And not a whim let out. Quietly I slip away, To dance among my luscious fields, Strongly lavished by muse so grand. I revel speechlessly, Taking pride within my loneliness . My intangible spirit dwells amid These expressions, Bringing me one step closer To finding my true self. The wonders in everything evoke such Sweet emotion, Building fantasy upon reality, Though the mind of the poet yearns still For more. My hunger and thirst is for beauty alone; In my heart is where The ink is black, Dripping slowly from my pen, Satisfying all my cravings To become one with my poem. |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
i really like this....some of it is a bit too wordy maybe, just for the sake of it, but a lot of it works really well!  thanks for sharing luv, liz xxx "Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~ |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Hi!  I'd have to agree with you on the poem being lengthy, but that's not always a bad thing. I found the content to be somewhat abstract as well, one of my favorite types of poetry. However, since it is quite long, you could make the lines longer. For example:"The ink is black, Dripping slowly from my pen. I inscribe a verse or two, Showing what my eyes do not To this aching world." could be: The ink is black...dripping slowly from my pen. I inscribe a verse or two, showing what my eyes do not To this aching world. or "Waiting for someone To pick up on its tears, Whisking them away So the clouds can clutch this sadness, Tacit and low." could be "Waiting for someone to pick up on its tears Whisking them away So the clouds can clutch this sadness, Tacit and low." Not a big difference, but it will help with the length and flow of thought. There are some really nice passages here that I thought you could make stand out. Don't be afraid to play around with some formatting of the poem. Just don't over do it. ex: "Flickering thoughts in an imagination, So profound; Though losing the grip on reality." I wasn't too keen on the word choice of this line: "I murdered the paper," It just didn't work for me. I know what you mean though, but "murdered" seemed a bit too...I'm not sure how to explain it, but it didn't fit right with what I think you were trying to describe. Overall, I enjoyed this piece a lot and look forward to more. -Leah  |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
Did you know that Michalangelo didn't want to paint the Sistine Chapel? Most artists don't like there great works of art or feel that there is something wrong with them... You, my dear, have created a masterpiece of abstraction and emotion. Clear and formidable to the soul and yet confusing to the mind..The best type of writing in my opinion. I agree with Chasing Rain on how to tighten it up a bit with the wording of the phrases. This poem is stunning and breathtaking to all the senses and awakens the mind to purity of it's thoughts..and I'm rambling on and on and on..! So I'll end with, beautiful work. ~Live and Laugh~ Always strive for excellence never perfection. |
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