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IndigoEve
Member

since 2003-01-10

Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time

0 posted 2003-05-21 08:03 PM

Not quite sure of this one...suggestions welcome. (I know I didn't punctuate; you are free to read it  however you feel necessary)

Assailable
To the abrasive
Words
Being impelled
With such
Ferocity
Toward
My buried face
I blanch
At the
Intense projection
Of your deafening
Voice

Declarations
Of rancor
About
How profusely
You loathe me
Every breath
That I inhale
You scorn
With such
Intensity
Why
Do you will
These deplorable
Slanders
Upon me?

I strive
To fashion myself
So I qualify
To satiate
The image
Of flawlessness
That began
Emerging
From within
Your dominant mind
Slowly
It was sculpted
Punctilious
And precise
No detail
Left uncovered

Love
Isn't malignity
You bellow
So crudely
Obscenities
And degrading
Comments
Delivered
By your raving
And blaring tone
I cringe and
I lament
With each utterance
Of every
Brutal assertion
That you deem
Is essential
To place upon me

I don't comprehend
Why
I cannot raise
My aching head enough
And beseech you
To relinquish
All the horror
All the grief
You bestow on me
Every night
Incessantly
So I lay
Scared and
Shaking
Praying
That I
Can withstand
Another duration
Of this ordeal
Just one more time

xxshadowxx
Junior Member

since 2003-05-17

Posts 43
Texas

1 posted 2003-05-21 08:28 PM

That was a nice poem. Good job.
~*Carrie*~

"Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me"

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

2 posted 2003-05-21 09:44 PM

I like it! Sometimes not having puntuation takes away from a poem, but I think it really adds to this one. Thanks for posting.
Jenni

There are three kinds of people in this world, those who can count, and those who can't.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

3 posted 2003-05-21 09:45 PM

Ohmigosh. Woah.

That like, hit really hard. Really close to things I didn't realize still hurt that bad.

I'm so sorry you're going through that.

Awesome job. Absolutely awesome.

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

4 posted 2003-05-22 08:44 AM

I love the title, and the poem fits it perfectly. Had to work, with the lack of punctuation, but I agree with Jenni, in this instance it works wonders

Love, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2003-05-22 01:21 PM

Oh, wow. There is so much in this poem, that I find it almost ironic that the lines are so short. I don't believe I've read much of your work, so I can't compare it to any other poems, but after reading this, I can't wait to read more. Before I begin, I want to say that I hope this is not a true stroy. And if it is, please seek help.

The fact that no punctuation is used is a good thing. It lets the reader interpret the tone however they wish. Punctuation almost puts restrictions on the poem, and the tone is just how the writer wants it to be. This way, there's a freedom that draws the reader in a little more than otherwise. While a seemingly simple poem, the vocabulary was perfect for the situation, placing a dark overtone throughout the poem in itself. The short lines put an emphasis on the brutal sorrow placed on you by this enemy. (Or maybe no enemy at all...)

The body was well done, rising the intensity until the cliff-hanger ending dropped off with the writer obviously submissing and giving in. What a powerful ending! It tells the reader so much without saying much at all.

This was a wonderful poem. A very well-written story. Hang in there.

I can't wait to read more... In the meantime, thanks for this read.

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

[This message has been edited by Fading Away (05-22-2003 01:28 PM).]

IndigoEve
Member

since 2003-01-10

Posts 279
Etched in the illusion of time

6 posted 2003-05-23 12:23 PM

Thank you everyone! This, fortunately, was not based on real life occurances. Sadly, though, I do have three friends who are demeaned and verbally/emotionally abused by their own families, so I can sort of dedicate this poem to all of them. I appreciate all the responses, its really kind of you. So glad I found this place...

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