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Teen Poetry #6
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spookymuffin
New Member
since 2003-05-21
Posts 3
Connecticut, U.S.

0 posted 2003-05-21 06:12 PM



i dash for the counter,
black makeup in hand,
but a simple human cuts me,
and gets to the register first,

i scream in terror,
the agany,
the pain,
living in a sorrowful world,
where rats thrive,

i can not take this anymore,
i return to my fortress of darkness,
the dairy aisle,

come save me Morticia,
queen of vampires,
save me from this impending doom,

slings and arrows,
slings and arrows,
my pain is awesome,


© Copyright 2003 tasha - All Rights Reserved
blackandwhitehorizon
Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183
an akward state of mind
1 posted 2003-05-21 07:03 PM


i personally find this funny but... i think i might be missing something... heh... good job

"Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up; these are the best days of our lives"

xxshadowxx
Junior Member
since 2003-05-17
Posts 43
Texas
2 posted 2003-05-21 07:08 PM


Nice peom!
   ~*Carrie*~

"Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me"

spookymuffin
New Member
since 2003-05-21
Posts 3
Connecticut, U.S.
3 posted 2003-05-21 07:25 PM


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA
4 posted 2003-05-22 11:45 AM


First of all, welcome! Glad to have ya here.

Your poem was... interesting. I liked the way it was written, but I don't think I entirely got it. Might check a bit of the spelling.

Fading Away
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-14
Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia
5 posted 2003-05-22 01:12 PM


Welcome to PIPTALK!

This was indeed a different poem. While there are some spelling errors, it seems like that's the least of your worries. I feel like this is a rant poem. While poems are an expression of the heart, there must be structure for a good poem to work. This one lacked that structure... The thought is there: yes, you got angry because someone disrespected you, and it hurt so you retreated into yourself. But why? And how? This poem is missing a good hunk that could enhance the poem, and get people to maybe take it a bit more seriously.

On your critique message, it says: "don't hold back!" I encourage you to do the same. Let your emotions free, and by that, I don't mean your anger. I mean your emotions. Let us feel your sadness and your sorrow. I think this is a good start, and with a little work, it could be a great poem.

I'm interested to see a final product! So keep working! Don't ever give up on an idea. Ideas can bloom into masterpieces!

Enjoyed the read. I hope to see more from you soon.

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

skyshine
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars
6 posted 2003-05-22 08:12 PM


This was interesting for sure....Welcome to Passions! Please check your email for a special message.

~Elizabeth

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

spookymuffin
New Member
since 2003-05-21
Posts 3
Connecticut, U.S.
7 posted 2003-05-23 06:34 PM


wow. i hate to be obnoxious but this poem wasn't meant to be serious. it was actually sort of a joke. so sorry to all the people who wrote long feed back messages. but don't worry i'll definently apply your advise to my future "real" poems.
tasha

Lexy
Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038
California
8 posted 2003-05-23 07:58 PM


That was radly funny...lol I got that it was a joke, I mean obviously!! That was great. I sending it to my best friend, totally our sence of hummor.
~welcome,
Lexy

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