Cold Blue Eyes - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

0 posted 2003-04-26 03:19 PM

The thing that bothers me about this is the end of the third verse. Any suggestions?

I am covered
Covered in their fingerprints
Surrounded by their pain
I feel
Feel that I can never
Be new and free again

Their eyes
Pierce my soul
When I'm not looking
Their presence
Cold and heartless
Always there, always watching

They try
To make me believe
They're all I have
Sometimes they convince me
Giving in
Can't be bad

And then I am
Covered in fingerprints
Covered in lies
Always haunted
Always watched
By cold blue eyes

sing'n fool
Member

since 2003-04-17

Posts 82
Morris, Il

1 posted 2003-04-26 04:21 PM

I think this is a good write. you did a good job at expressing your point. To tell you the truth I wouldn't change it. Just let it be. It's good the way it is. Keep up the good work

Sing'n Fool

Be yourself. Say what you feel. Nothing is wrong. To your own self be real!!

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

2 posted 2003-04-26 04:35 PM

This was pretty good. I liked it. And as for changing things well I do agree that it might need a little tweaking on the third. But that's just my opinion. Anyway here's what I would do...

"They try
To make me believe
They're all I have
Sometimes they convince me
Giving in
Can't be bad"

That's what you have,and here's what I would change it to.

They try
to make me believe
and make me see
giving in can't be bad
for it sets
you free

Anyway I think that works too. Hope to read more form you soon.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

3 posted 2003-04-26 04:36 PM

I don't see anything wrong with this poem.
I love the ending especially!
Wonderful!

WinterWren
"Even a fool knows that we cannot touch the stars, but that doesn't keep the wise from trying."

mindy
Junior Member

since 2002-12-18

Posts 34
VA, US

4 posted 2003-04-26 05:21 PM

This is a very beautiful write...I think it truly makes you feel every emotion...keep writing soul felt pieces...

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

5 posted 2003-04-26 08:31 PM

Thanks, y'all. And thanks, Aaron... I like that. Hmmmm...

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

6 posted 2003-04-26 08:37 PM

I liked this, especially the ending..
~LEXY

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.