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StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

0 posted 2003-04-16 01:20 AM

They met on a bus that was
vacant at midnight.
He asked in a voice that exuded charm:
Where are you headed?
She tried to keep her voice from
faltering as she said:
Anywhere but here.
Nowhere fast.
Here, there and everywhere.
And he smiled at her overuse of cliches.
Smiled through dark eyes that ached
at a movement almost foreign to them
and he looked as though he were struggling
to move the corners of his mouth.
She looked like summer but
smelled of autumn. And her hands were
always shaking.
He thought it foretelling when she
told him her name was:
Hope.
He could almost see what was
holding her up through her
translucent skin. And it was clear
to him. Why her hands were
always shaking.
She could almost see what was
keeping him down as his
sleeves were riding up and exposing
his shameful misdeeds. And it was cuttingly
obvious to her. Why his smiles were
crying through dark eyes.
She thought it foretelling when
he leaned in closely and
whispered to her:
This is me.
before getting off at an
unlit street corner where she
tried to run after him but she was
too weak
and the road was
too dark.
This is me.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2003-04-16 01:32 AM

This is charming.

At first? I thought the repetition of "thought it was foretelling" rather disposable, considering that you as the author are in control of the foreshadow, but as I re read I understood the device of repetition--and it DOES fit well with the language used to paint the scene--I saw how the phrase fit the emotional characterizations here. Nicely employed. (smile--you convinced me.)

An intriguing read here, and I enjoyed it much. Almost as though it were written with fingers splayed--you leave the potential open with each verse, for the reader to decide.

and THAT?

I like, very much.

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

2 posted 2003-04-16 11:19 PM

Yeah, I was gonna get rid of the second 'foretelling' thing but then I thought I should leave it in. And I'm glad I convinced you to like it.

Thannnnks for reading.

-erin

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

3 posted 2003-04-19 08:13 PM

"Why his smiles were crying through dark eyes."...This poem...was...I can't even describe it. It was absolutely beautiful. It leaves me speachless. I wish you would have considered it for the book, this one would have made it. I love the imagery and metaphors you used. This poem is perfect! Don't ever change a thing! Beautiful write, absolutely beautiful.

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

StellarChica
Member

since 2002-07-06

Posts 207
floating down a river...

4 posted 2003-04-20 12:20 PM

Thank you so much.

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