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Teen Poetry #6
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Claws, Poison, and Salt
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Claws, Poison, and Salt |
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BrokenAngel Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141Puryear, TN, USA 
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Not the originall that was posted, I didn't really expect this one to make the book. Thanks for the feedback every one gave me, I'm still workin on this one, maybe I'll put it in for the book again once I'm sure it's right. --------------------------------------------------- Claws grasp my heart They burn like dragon's fire The muscle charred to a deep ashy black The tears I cry at night They flow like a salty black river Drowning me in dispare The scars on my soul The feal like that of a poison dagger Continuosly reminding me of past deception I have no where to run to Where ever I hide The pain still finds me The claws dig still deeper into my flesh Pushing me down under the ever coursing river The salt iritating the scars even more Why was I chosen as their host? I only wish to know What wrong I have commited Maybe some day the dragons will leave The river will dry up And the dagger will be sheathed But until then This is what I must carry This is my punishment Read my work and read my thoughts I'll go back into the night now ---Night Angel [This message has been edited by BrokenAngel (03-19-2003 07:55 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Hannah Rochelle Garner - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
These demons haunt me I can't get away There everywhere I turn Why was I chosen as there host? I only wish to know What wrong I have commted ********* OK, Hannah. You have several typos and have used the wrong 'there' It should be they're=they are and their and committed.. before submitting for the book, it's a good idea to fix these things hope all is well and that the dark mood is just poetry good luck! I'll check back again later Midnitesun, Kacy |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Before I even read the poem, let me say that I absolutely love the title. I often wish I could come up with decent titles like that. Now I'm going to read the poem. Hmm, alright, I have a few critiques and I'm going to respect your critique message and be fully honest and truthful with you. There are a few places I think this could be improved a little, feel free to take my advice or leave it. quote: You open with a rather common phrase, not quite a cliche, but something that doesn't particularily grab me. Your similie restores a lot in this stanza, but I still think you should make the opening line a bit stronger. I would try to find a different way of saying "the pain in my heart." The rest of the poem I think is pretty well done, actually... the actual body and structure I think are strong enough to be kept as they are, but as for the content, I think you could meat it up with a bit more language and technique. Take things like "salty black river," run that river through the body. Sorry, but that double-sensory image left me thirsty for more salty black river, and the images you had from that point on were basic, where I felt they could have been more descriptive. Again, I like your style and your formatting skills, I think you just left too many blank spaces in this poem. I respect you enough to be fully honest with you, please don't be upset, I'm trying to give you the most productive reply that I can.  quote: On a positive note, this stanza I really like... you brought your images back and gave them each closure, that really helps make the poem feel more complete. Nice reading your work again. Oh, and thanks for stopping in to read some of mine, even if they're tucked away back in that "other" forum...  Gave me something to smile about.Parasite |
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AJMGW Member
since 2002-11-19
Posts 57Galaxy Roller Rink |
that is so deep.and the way you discribe things is amazng. i voted Melissa |
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Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggssssssss) Think of it not as a punishment, but rather as a tool of strengthening your heart, as through the tears God is teaching us all to be strong and to love with dear heart by understanding compassion! (sigh) God Bless You, sweet friend, you have my vote, this is splendid, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Hannah, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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BrokenAngel Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 141Puryear, TN, USA |
And no, this is not a mood I'm in all the time, I wrote this one while I was really depressed wich is normally prime time for me to write...but then sometimes it's not. But again, thanxs for the feedback!! Read my work and read my thoughts |
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