»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
Lovingly Hateful
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
Lovingly Hateful |
|
|
Trouble Breathing Member
since 2002-11-12
Posts 63 |
I wish I could trust you again You hurt me and scarred me But through it all I remained your friend, And I can’t say I like what you’ve become I once used to think you were beautiful, I even though we were in love, But love, it was just temporary, And I wish I’d never met you at all You know I’d stand up for myself if I could But you know you could rip my heart and toss it to the ground And after picking myself up off up the floor, I’d say “thank you girl, could you do it once more?” I’ve become the peasant to your Queen, I only wish you’d get down off your throne, I used to love you with good cause, And I’m beginning to think it was all a lost cause |
||
| © Copyright 2003 Trouble Breathing - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
You expressed your feelings well in this piece. I think having the last two lines end with the same word is kind of distracting but otherwise its good. Jenn think about this: everyone you know will someday die. |
||
|
Trouble Breathing Member
since 2002-11-12
Posts 63 |
I didnt even notice I did that. I should change that. Thanks for pointing it out.  |
||
|
frolicking dolphin Member
since 2003-02-23
Posts 268my own special world |
Other than the small flaw of repeating the same word for the last two lines it was a very well written poem. It was very thought provoking too. ~*~Karen~*~ |
||
|
WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I didn't notice that the words in the last two lines were the same either, I was too enthralled with the poem. Wonderful piece, I love it! WinterWren |
||
|
WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Oops, I forgot to vote for it, ok all better now. WinterWren |
||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I too agree, that if you changed the penultimate line to just say, "I used to love you" this would work a lot better and not hault the reader, but what you are saying is wonderful and you get my vote. |
||
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (sad sigh) I don't think anyone should ever feel like the peasant, or the vassal who has to work to gets ones land deed in that matter, in love there should always be equal royalty, and should never have one on the pedestal over the other! (big hugggssssss) This is heartfelt, dearest friend, I send healing hugs and my vote to you, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
|
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
The dualities of infatuation. |
||
|
aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
it reminds me of my less happy time. Nicely expressed ~Every girl has a dream within. |
||
|
Jenn Cirrincione
since 2000-07-02
Posts 2107Fl |
Ooohhh so good. Kick her butt, you're strong enough- I promise, just gotta realize it. Jenn "Now I'm convinced that he's heaven sent, and must be out of his mind- mama he's crazy, crazy over me." |
||
|
PoeTik JusTice Member
since 2003-01-05
Posts 186California, USA |
Very expressive! good work. XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo |
||
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Trouble Breathing~ You've done a nice job on this piece. There are some very good lines in this and I very much enjoyed reading it. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
