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jennilynn
Junior Member

since 2002-11-11

Posts 29
here with me

0 posted 2003-01-24 05:48 PM

Should have told you how I felt.
how your smile still makes me melt
how thinkin' of you still makes me wanna sing,
should have told you everything.

Shouldn't have given up on us when we still had a chance.
Remember how we used to dance?
No music, just you and me?
Remember how it used to be?

Caused myself so much pain
Tears are fallin' down like rain.
My inner wall has fallen down,
maybe in my tears I'll drown.

So I made a huge mistake
Nights are spent layin' awake.
My every thiougth filled with sorrow,
never should have let you go.

Wish now I could take it back,
Forever since my heart seems to lack.
Wish I hadn't said goodbye,
wish I had no reason to cry.

I know I hurt you, made you sad,
Please baby please don't be mad.
Can you forgive me from deep inside?
Move away your foolish pride.

I'm waiting for that day
when you finally say,
"I still love you,
and only you."

its kind of rough, suggestions would be helpful.

-jen-

love is life

[This message has been edited by jennilynn (01-25-2003 10:22 AM).]

barbaraj
Member

since 2003-01-24

Posts 139
Nova Scotia, Canada

1 posted 2003-01-24 08:27 PM

this poems was very good. my one suggestion would be..''Shoulda told ya how I felt.'', get rid of 'shoulda' and 'ya'. should have and you would flow better with the rest of the poem considering you use them more. otherwise great poem!

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2003-01-24 08:34 PM

I enjoyed this write.

I know you must have been/are in a painful place to write something with this sort of content. I hope peace soon finds you.

The poem has a lot of potential, and in and of itself, without any changes, it's good.

I might change the grammer, instead of using "Shoulda" do should of, etc etc. Maybe I'm just old inside of a young body, I don't know.

But I think it takes away from the poem. And the 'oh so bad' is okay, but reminds me of teenybop music. Just a thought.

~Titus

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--Aldous Huxley

jennilynn
Junior Member

since 2002-11-11

Posts 29
here with me

3 posted 2003-01-25 10:20 AM

You guys are right. I think it does flow better with "should have" instead of "shoulda". Thanks for replying.

-jen-

Every cloud has a silver lining.

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