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hitch hiking
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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hitch hiking |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571
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one way to love i`m hitchhiking on this dusty road kicking rocks along this lifeless street some have highways others abaondoned back roads sittin on the curb tryin to figure out this life hand outstreached waitin for someone a slow crackling of tires rolling on the rock covered road i stand up grab my bags my hand still outstreached will u stop or pass me on by? you roll up and open the door one way to love |
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| © Copyright 2002 Allison Colgrove - All Rights Reserved | |||
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i see this all too often in pip. i'm really unsure as to why everyone insists on avoiding punctuation and capitalization. when you leave it out the poem appears to be rushed and sloppy. it's hard to notice where one sentence ends and another begins. yes, it is poetry, but punctuation is still VERY important. i thought it was a good poem. having been hitch hiking myself, i think you captured the feelings well. i personally live in a completely different climate, so i can't say i've kicked rocks down dusty roads, but it did bring back memories. one more thing though. i have a few comments on this line: my hand still outstreached will u stop or pass me on by? i'm not sure why you left out the 'y' and the 'o' in 'you', but i think you should add them back in. is it a typo? and i think you should omit the word 'on'. it just doesn't seem to flow. it's just a thought, but i think it would much improve that stanza. good write and keep it up. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 |
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
Allion, I am quite aware how easily peeved you are, but don't take what---whoever that was--- said as an insult. Everyone here is intiled to thier own opinion, and i'm not going to blab and act like you're mom, but she was just making sugestions. (hoping you knew that) Anyway..... I really liked your poem, it was abstract. And I like that in a poem. (winks) j/j, anyway, but yes, continue to write your peices, and eventually if you mold them all together, all of your little stories will become a book-- then you can make lots of money. (joking again--but maybe. heh.. i was hoping that i made you smile.) Take care, ~sara |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
i am jen. and have been here obviously a lot longer than you have, poetic goddess of whatever. i think you should know who i am by now. i was merely offering some advice, that's all. this is what this place is for. to come, share your work and to learn and grow as a writer. you can't get anywhere if no one gives you any good advice. and simply saying 'it's good' is not advice. oh, and it's spelled 'entitled' not 'intitled'. just thought you should know. /jen/ so foul and fair a day i have not seen. - macbeth act 1, scene 3 [This message has been edited by quietlydying (09-29-2002 01:14 PM).] |
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