»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #22
»
Two heroes (haiku)
| Open Poetry #22 |
|
Two heroes (haiku) |
|
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855
|
two heroes live here (slashed by rain and slashed by lights) stubborn home, this love |
||
| © Copyright 2002 MPC - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
I like. I like.  Cold hands means a warm heart |
||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
slashed..one or two syllables? (chuckling) like the concept and the image it allows the reader to paint. I troubled a bit ( yes I am picking a nit) by the double useage of slashed. perhaps complementary words here or opposites would add a layer of thought for the reader to contemplate. As always Mike... I enjoyed... and if I thought you minded me picking at nits..I'd buy you a monkey and let him do it so you wouldn't be angry with me. The monkey could climb a tree a lot faster than an old ape like me and get away from you.  |
||
|
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thank you, Julie. Hey, Ron. No worries. I won't invoke monkeys of any sort. (or evoke them, I hope!)Originally, the poem section went (within strength and within fight) Because I wanted to convey that fights can make you stronger, and you're all the more "heroic" and confident in your love when you do end a big fight. Or, as Phil Spector put it (much more succinctly): The best part of breaking up is when you're making up. However ... I didn't really like the language. It was too confusing and, to me, not very poetic. So I thought for a moment, and then remembered a fragment of verse I hadn't used but had wanted to -- two lovers slashed by rain and lights. So I fit it there. And yes, slashed is now repeated twice. But ... I think it's sort of a mindtwist to go from slashing rain to slashing lights. What ARE slashing lights? Does that mean slashing rain is different than I first thought? Etc. So that's my 7,000 word defense on a 17-syllable poem. :pHelp me. [This message has been edited by bsquirrel (10-08-2002 07:10 PM).] |
||
|
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Oh mike.. it works as is... with out worry it works as is, and no need to defend anything. Heck you know opinions are like armpits... we all have'em, and this was just my armpit..I mean opinion showing. I like the slashing lights and it brought to mind the image of streaks of light cutting in quick random arcs through pitch balckness. a semi stobeic affair in my mind. ( must be a leftover from the 70's habits) the mind twist you refer to is there in a way but with so few words to use in this form of poetry... I still believe you could add a layer to the meaning, ( good poems can have more than one you know and this is a good poem) without sacrificing the imagery. keep slashed lights.... I like it... but think about replacing the slahed rain with another sharp or cutting image that also starts with an "S" to keep the alliteration. |
||
|
Chanson Senior Member
since 2000-08-19
Posts 1559Up Creek w/Out Paddle |
Love love it! |
||
|
Dragon Mistress Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 289Washington, USA. |
Hey! Long time no read! Its great to be able to read your stuff again. Life has been hectic for me...but things are somewhat back to normal! Great to read something of yours again! Great work (as always). -Tanya ~*~I'm only a dreamer, with broken dreams, and only words to fall back on~*~ |
||
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Oh, this is wonderful, sweet friend, this is indeed a sharper image, this cuts to the chase like a ratchet, I LOVE IT we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Michael, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
|
Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now |
Hon, ah wanna be able to write short poems. Teach me how? I wanna be able to write short anything.... Teach me how? Lovely baby. I hafta go read more kiddy scary stories. How do you rate age group with these things, anyway? I mean, if I pick all the really lame ones, the older kids will get bored, but if I get the exciting ones, the younger kids will have nightmares and angry parents will phone my manager... Grr! I don't even know the basic age range of the audience. Oh well. The adverts say "Do you have scary stories about bringing your kids shopping? Well, WE have scary stories to keep your children entertained WHILE you shop," so I'm assuming we don't want the young ones running screaming back to Mommy, huh? I'm so not used to children. Haven't really babysat since I myself was a child. Oh well. We'll see what happens on Saturday. your tongue's like poison |
||
|
Anvrill Senior Member
since 2002-06-21
Posts 710in the interzone now |
Oh, and btw.... The longer hair is oh sooooo sexy....  Keep it up, keep it up! I'll make a rock star outta you yet. Now all we need's a band!Oh, and you getting your butt up here.Jetzt, Mikhail. Bitte? your tongue's like poison |
||
|
bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Thanks, everyone. Ron, I'll think on it. And Lorigrrl, hi. I'm not sure how to rate stories either. But, since it's more a time filler for the parents to get away and shop (people shop on Halloween now?), I guess, whatever you'd like to read, that won't traumatize them. How about some GloomCookie? Um... probably not.And my hair's gettin' longer, baby, but -- actually? My ears are covered in that photograph by my headphones! Yep! I'm a lunatic. Mikey |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
