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Open Poetry #22

Breaking-up

Daniel van Vliet
Member

since 2001-08-31

Posts 80

0 posted 2002-09-26 06:10 PM

Breaking-up

This urinal of a life,
is stained by your persistent voice.
Am I starved by these colic nerves,
as I await your corrupted choice?

You exhibit your crystallized smile,
like a prostitutes pay check.
Giggling, as I crucify myself;
the pain spirals down my neck

A haven of sorrow intensifies;
our lips engage in protest.
I can't say good-bye tonight,
for this kiss is our last breath.

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

1 posted 2002-09-26 06:16 PM

I like your unique discriptions in this piece! very expressive writing dan!

Krishankins

Senior Member

since 2002-06-23

Posts 972
Texas

2 posted 2002-09-26 06:45 PM

I agree with Rose Petal, nice write!!!

Hey dog, did you see the size of that chicken!?

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

3 posted 2002-09-26 07:29 PM

Powerful emotions exchanged by lovers...very well written. ThisDiamond

Paddy
Member

since 2002-09-23

Posts 52
Straya

4 posted 2002-09-27 12:37 PM

quote:
I can't say good-bye tonight,
for this kiss is our last breath.

William might have used the last two lines in Romeo and Juliet.

JK Man, this is heavy but clever use of metaphor. Well done.

I guess one becomes content with one’s poetry when one opens the book ten years hence and does NOT exclaim, “Did I really write this?”

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