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Master
Senior Member

since 1999-08-18

Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 2002-09-15 02:58 PM

The purple haze burns into grayness.
The poet's pleading to the muse,
"Let's not use our lips for prayers,
For they have another use."

But the playful muse still lingers,
-- Casting smiles from afar, --
Holds his chords with nimble fingers
On the neck of her guitar.

Check out my poetry here:

http://www.unknownpoets.com/db/authors/master

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

1 posted 2002-09-15 03:02 PM

I like this poem a lot.

Cold hands means a warm heart

Miah
Senior Member

since 2002-08-26

Posts 1062
Pennsylvania

2 posted 2002-09-15 03:19 PM

Wow, I really enjoyed this one. thanks for sharing.

TradingSpaces19
Member

since 2002-08-31

Posts 134
Arvada, Colorado

3 posted 2002-09-15 04:21 PM

This is a good poem and a sad one. I liked it though. I hope to read more from you soon. thank you for sharing.

Love,
Andrea Kruckenberg

Crazy Eddie
Member

since 2002-09-14

Posts 178

4 posted 2002-09-15 05:23 PM

I like this, the first line creates the musical connection well with the use of purple haze, just enough to keep you wondering where this is going. The similarity between art and a love affair is well made and the final line pulls the whole thing together.

Minor gripes?

The use of “the” to start the second line, why not try “a” instead, of course you’ll have to change “poet’s” to “poet” but I think it works, what do you think?

"Let's not use our lips for prayers,
For they have another use."

Unless this is a specific quote I’d contemplate changing “prayers” to “praying” and losing the comma, the stress on “for” in the second line is easier to grasp done that way.

The first line of the second stanza deserves another word rather than muse, you’ve used it once already and in a poem so short it’s really noticeable, how about “siren” (keeps the musical theme) you’d have to drop “still” to make it work though.

The line “-- Casting smiles from afar, --“ didn’t seem to flow, I think it’s a syllable shot, the inclusion of “but” before “from” seems to fix it.

These are only my thoughts, I’m not qualified to give critiques so accept or reject them as you see fit.

btw nice to see you back.

[This message has been edited by Crazy Eddie (09-15-2002 08:41 PM).]

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