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Jason
Member

since 2002-07-31

Posts 72
Macon, GA

0 posted 2002-08-08 02:04 PM

Can you see the blood of dreams
though they leave so small a trace
hidden in the tracks of tears
that have dried upon my face

Did you hear their silent screams
when they departed from this place
to go beyond the Ethereal Seas
and far from the Mortal race

Do you feel their absence keen
since they've met with a mortal's fate
knowing they'll never again be seen
on this side of Heaven's gate

For now I can only dream
that we'll meet again one day
and together for eternity
from that time on, we'll stay.

Jason Daniels

(this may be just the beginning.... my heart wants to say something more, but my mind hasn't translated it for me, yet)
{I would truly appreciate candid critique on this one}

Practiced in the Art of Perception

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

1 posted 2002-08-08 02:10 PM

BRAVO!!! Oh Jason, this is wonderful, sweet friend, I love where this is going, maybe one idea is you can add one more stanza and start it with "until then..." and express your thoughts of the present, almost as a vow to close it! (sigh) That's just an idea I had, truly this is excellent, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jason, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2002-08-08 02:39 PM

Great title. I would like to see you turn this away from the you/me of it to a he/she theme and build on it, as I can see it becoming an epopee of sorts...I know the feeling of knowing there is more behind it waiting to come out...take that turn on it as suggested and see where it leads you...

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2002-08-08 03:00 PM

Jason,
I agree with sunshine it is good advice. Good write.

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

4 posted 2002-08-08 05:08 PM

I can see where this could go and I hope you find the words to be able to describe where this should go.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

5 posted 2002-08-09 11:24 AM

Write on!

arthur
Senior Member

since 2001-08-14

Posts 678
england

6 posted 2002-08-09 11:33 AM

i caught its mood
liked it arthur

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

7 posted 2002-08-09 12:48 PM

I see a couple of lines that deviate from your normal meter... I like the theme, of course.. 'Tis a grand piece..

Hey - You can put your picture up now - Let's see that smiling face..

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