As with an overwhelming majority of my poems, this is dedicated to Scott Phillip Erickson. I got to thinking about him at work.

For the first time in years,
I think I really miss you.
Not just the idea
or the archetype you've become.

You were the Reason
for all my indiscretions;
I could point my finger
at a troubled past.
You were the Tragedy
that knocked the breath out of me,
and I remain winded to this day.

I've tried to remember what it was like,
but your death is a shade in my childhood.
I wish I could
feel for you again,
at least in a way not
obstructed by a child's tears.

I've changed.
I've grown.
You never can.
You were over a year younger
than I am now,
and the distance will widen
as time passes.

I have understood the pain
that could drive you that far.
You just never gave me the chance
to understand the reasons.
You ruined my childhood,
but yours as well.
No one is meant to die
so young.
Not by their own hand.

Not knowing why you acted,
I can't accuse you
of being selfish.
I can accuse myself.
All the tears I've cried
over this ordeal
have been for me.
Now so many years have passed,
I can't remember enough
to cry for you.

I still feel
an excess of pain.
I just can't give it a reason,
not anymore.
There's the feeling
that I'm lacking something,
though I have everything
I should want.

You shaped me,
in your final action.
Left me in pieces.
Left me in pain.
I know I'm still
a child in my heart,
and it's the child who feels for you.

Poor little Lori-Anne.
Poor little weeping girl.
The angry world took your
best friend away,
and there's no one to blame anymore.

Suicide shaped me.
I've lost my mind
a million times.
I have never recovered,
and I don't know how to ask
for help.
I don't know
what I need.

I can never fall in the line
of your footsteps.
Scott, I can never
die just for you.

I wish you were back,
to say goodbye.
So I could be the one
who rests in peace,
free from nightmares
and waking thoughts
coloured by your wake.

Goodnight,
old friend.

I can't help
that for the first times in years,
I miss you.