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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Open Poetry #20 |
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Seven Shades of Twilight |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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©2002 C.G. Ward crimson like the blood of kindness from a catatonic predator, ripples form the boundary at an inadequately pooling light; ciphers of indelible rage floating (water-oil) toward a rim of infinite disparity. coral like the rose, kiln-dried and injured through a skyline, stark comparisons are drawn between cancer and religion; dimly lit pantheons of clouded hues moulded, slowly drowned, by a steady gait of degeneration. gold like an argent façade of power cased in the likeness of corruption, streakings of chastity float freely across gods’ divination; a maiden’s flight takes form as the hero strikes a pedestal of saffron, an heir to indulgence. chartreuse like landscapes bearing the density of a penultimate maelstrom, puerile strings of apathy flee into taffy-like shreddings; a wisping of fanciful sighs tracing the darkness between burnt umber and orange. turquoise like stone-washed, sapphire tears folding daytime over dark, the champions of distance falter at a pinnacle of inspiration; demagogues chastened blind by the breaking of a truce between happiness and decay. slate like the fading of purgatory, or the bleaching of alien bones, thus comes the solitude of night before the solidarity of eagerness; soldiers of a seamless altercation sponsored by smiling debates and the vapidity of damnation. indigo like a cryptic epic of silence mouthed through empty gums, today falls before an onslaught of uniformly loaded catechisms; an old man’s repeated ululation decorating the habitat of discord, wherein Nyx gestures... twilight. [This message has been edited by Christopher (04-10-2002 09:33 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Chris, A very literate painting. But I enjoyed the read. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Christopher~ A penning to be savored over and over .. each read brings a newness of thought~ Very, very nicely done, poet~ *Hugs* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
Because you take suggestions so well [just as you give them] my one suggestion would be to drop all of the beginning "like"...I believe each color of word allows the following stanza to stand alone without a "like"... very good, just needs a little overall tightening and I think you'll have a classic... [This message has been edited by Decaflame (04-10-2002 01:56 PM).] |
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Interloper
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369Deep in the heart |
Interesting write. PS - I agree with Sunshine  |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
A magnificent piece, Chris. After reading this, the first word that came to mind was 'wow.' But, I find that word far too overused. Truly though, this is deserving of applause and a sincere wow  For the most part I agree with sunshine, the use of "like" is a little overdone, but, it also just as effective. The decison is ultimately yours on how you choose to polish it up. All in all, this is excellent, descriptive and powerful writing. I appreciate your talent even more now. This is a keeper Take care, Melissa~ "Poetry is not an opinion expressed... |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Seymour: Is "literate" bad then? Thank you.Margey: *sigh* thank you for the ever-kind words and appreciation. Decaflame: Okies - got rid of the "like" (which i had doubts about in the first place, but have never been good at listening to others, much less myself) and we'll see how it stands as is. Thank you for your comments and suggestions. Interloper: Thank you - uhmm - "Sunshine?" Is Deca merely a psuedonym? Melissa: Thank you as well for the consideration and time, as well as praise and comments. Chris |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Blimey. What can I say? Haven't seen you use colours for a looooooong time C. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it, but then I'm in poetic crisis so maybe anything unique is troubling heh... I think out of it all, I like your coral stanza the most - those first two lines...rose and skyline. I simply love that. I also appreciate the image of the pantheon of hues. I see you are still adjectivelising..? Ah yes, argent - lovely word. You need to post a warning though in the subject line. Open Only With Dictionary At Hand. Heh. It's often hard to create a poem without any pronoun such as 'I' 'she' 'he' etc..and I think you've done it well, with only a few stumbles..I also appreciate the religious theme running throughout, with the culminating image of the old man at the end of day - was that intentional? The more I read it, the more I see, and the more I can get out of it: for instance, one way of reading 'the cryptic epic of silence': this can remove the passivity of twilight and turn it into something active, as if the world were waiting and twilight landed with a bang. Of course, you're a dense read, and only you, unless you actually tell, will ever fully 'get' what it is you're saying, in a complete picture. But then, what is poetry without its mystery?  KP.S - sapphire tears is just as bad as crystal tears dear. Honestly, we must cure you of this jewelled fascination for crying! BAD C. [This message has been edited by Severn (04-10-2002 07:28 PM).] |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Nice seeing you here Christopher.... Like the poem much and enjoyed your word drill in the forum... I can see that your vocabulary is building superbly.... |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Christopher, this is beyond anything I have seen on these blue pages before...left me speechless! Therefore I am going to pop this into my library so it doesn't get away and I can take my time and digest it. Great write! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Christopher...I do like the editing, I'm so glad you listened to Deca.... |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Hi Chris I can see you put alot of thought into this poem, but I feel like I couldn't get to where you were looking. Color is beauty, yet your words have made it hard to see into the feeling you are trying to convey. When I read a poem, I go there to the scene or the feeling. It was hard to do that here. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Well done, Chris I've returned for my second & third read, and can't determine my favorite stanza... A wonderfully motley presentation you've conjured up here...  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
i had to go back in and add the "like" at the beginning of every line... if only because it loses meaning without that word, and breaks in a bad way... so until i can get the time to revamp, the 'like' will have to stay. I will return to respond to these wonderful replies - especially K, who was awfully close, but not. quite. there. C |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Extreme! The vocalization came to my ear in the deep voice of a thundering God... My eyes saw the beautiful colors, my ears heard the thunder of the soul. Wonderful title, it pulled me. ThisDiamond |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Pfft. I wasn't searching for any one thing twit.. K[This message has been edited by Severn (04-10-2002 11:25 PM).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
i understand k-eem-lah, but you DID come awfully close to the main theme... when i write, i try to allow several meanings for my words (considered maybe as sub-themes) and one "main" theme. the one you capped on was the "main" one, and you fairly close to got it dead on... minus the ending bit. I think i want to do a breakdown of this later though... would be fun. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Give me a LBL go on..you know you want to ~grin~ K |
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Greeneyes 
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
Actually Christopher~ I rather enjoyed the "like" before each stanza....and I have read this a few times now, with each reading I felt a different mood...poetry should do that...this does...a keeper to add...a very stunning piece.... Lauren~ Step through the |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......................... |
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NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
very detailed and careful imagery, almost paints the picture in your mind. i really really like this. but. you have the word 'argent' used for gold - argent refers actually to silver. i believe 'aureate' would be a better term... "decorated with a golden color or brilliance." i think changing that would elevate this from being really really good to being a classic... the imagery is so stellar that even the most minor things detract, which is why i mention this. this is truly great stuff. NOW i know why i keep reading your poetry -Dave |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I've been hoping to put off replying until i could finish the LBL explanation... but that's turning out to be quite long, and will probably take a while (assuming i ever finish it in the first place) - so if it does get finished one of these days, i'll put it in CA. K-eem-lah: you can figure out why i used the colors, i'm sure... it felt almost necessary as they run through as a theme themselves (notice the fading hues?). I thought i did ok with the adjectives, but hey - can't please everyone! LOL As to "stumbles" - where? I thought i did good keeping out the pronouns??? Either way, thank you for the ever-thoughtful reply. Magnus: Word drill, huh? LOL Thank you, glad you enjoyed. Enchantress: Now I'M speechless! Thank you so much for the praise and ego building! Kari: well... uhmm... I did listen, but later unlistened. LOL Martie: Than kyou for your honest reply. I guess it is hard sometimes getting a point across without writing a novel. Maybe you'll be interested in the breakdown if i ever get it done. Peace. Nan: Bet YOU didn't need a dictionary! heh. Thank you for the comments. ThisDiamond: WOW! And here all this time I've been told I'm Satan! Your reply is muchly appreciated!Lauren: Thank you for your support! I agree with you, and am glad this made you feel so. Kari: hmmmmmmmmm Dave: Actually, if you'll read the lines again, you might see that I'm saying the color (gold) is like argent (silver) cased (emprisoned, and therefore partially obscured) by a facade of power. It was my intent to take something 'pure' (argent/silver) and represent it as twisted... "gold" is often used as a bright color, but i wanted to be different (for many reasons, of course, which will hopefully be seen in dissertation) thank you for your honest comment. Peace all, Chris |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
I am off on one of my metaphysical mind trips here again C. It probably has nothing to do with your intent, but I did note with much interest, the correspondences of color to the seven chakras...a very interesting read for me. Even if I must confess it leaves me a bit puzzled as to what remains the mystery of YOU. heh heh. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Chris Yes, I would be interested. I hope that I did not sound as harsh, as I sounded to myself when I reread my reply just now...wasn't meant to be. It may be more me then the poem, something about density. Peace |
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Decaflame Senior Member
since 2001-05-11
Posts 1635 |
It IS a dense poem, deep and lush with imagery and color....it is one that a poet could sink into, even if the [likes] won't disappear... |
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