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Open Poetry #20
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When Only Whispers Remain (what then?)
| Open Poetry #20 |
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When Only Whispers Remain (what then?) |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven 
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whispers cannot compare to a touch words cannot carry the weight of an embrace even listening to every piece of you is not as powerful as the feeling of skin on skin reality is the air you breathe the earth that supports you the fires that warm you the waters that cleanse you fantasy ever so sweet cannot compete with the beauty of reality just as a whisper is no match for a touch the father of our surdity is separation and perversion its issue the kindest thoughts become illegitimate parodies of humorless misunderstanding words you don’t want to hear however softly spoken resonate with the pain of disillusion and echo their discontent at being held hostage in this game of silent disappearance intentions are ignored honesty is unwanted without touch even kindness is forgotten until soon we are only playing catch with dirty snowballs in the rain [This message has been edited by Jamie (05-04-2002 11:04 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
" fantasy ever so sweet cannot compete with the beauty of reality just as a whisper is no match for a touch"   WOW!!! Oh Jamie, we have all missed you so so much, I am delighted to see your name pop up on here again, YAY!!! (big hugggsssss) It too saddens me to see so many of us forsaking our fantasies and our springs and how we touch one another and rather be treated like ghosts to our existance, sweet friend, I on;y pray for a renaissance to come to take away this winter and these snowball fights of imbroglio we have fallen in! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Jamie, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Ivy Rose Senior Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 1300MA, USA |
Jamie...I especially loved how this poem began. Stunning writing throughout. ***Ivy Rose |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Sure nice to see you writing again, and you hit the point hard, and it's true that there is nothing like the real thing' face to face, eye to eye! I can't help but relate your poem to the world of the internet, supplying more illusion and promise, than it can ever deliver. I really liked this Jamie, it flowed down the page beautifully the way you presented it, and loved the last two truthful lines. Imagination is more important that knowledge ~* Einstein said so *~ ,font size=1> [This message has been edited by Mysteria (05-05-2002 02:53 AM).] |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
A touch sais so much that wispers can't express Touch plus whispers is better But just whispers isn't enough This left me a little sad, but inspired by your writing Masterfully expressed Liz |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Jamie I have thought about this many times...since we are connected to so many more now through the internet...where relationships are built on words alone. Very interesting, thought filled writing. I enjoyed it! |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Jamie, very interesting write as I too relate this to the Internet... there certainly isn't anything like the real thing. The opening on this was absolutely beautiful! Well done. ~Hugs~ ~Somewhere in my heart I'm always |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
you fantasy ever so sweet cannot compete with the beauty of reality just as a whisper is no match for a touch It doesn't do the poem justice to yank out one section out of context, but I really, really like this part. Thanks for sharing this truth, in such a sensitive and thoughtful way. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Exceptional and heartfelt Jamie. This is one of your best.  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Yes...and? shame on me for reading so many times and not even leaving a dropping of a hint that I'd been here. Smile. This must be my dropping!  totally wonderful... and you got me thinking about "legitimate" |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
thanks everyone-- I think by the replies everyone thinks pretty much as I do-- that I lost my way sometime about the middle of this--lol thanks again JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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rosepetals25
since 2000-05-31
Posts 3076PA |
Jamie, I don't think I have ever read you before  I do know that I really like this I will have to watch for you Hugs, Tara "My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read" |
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NapalmsConstantlyConfused
since 2001-05-15
Posts 529 |
i will echo my girlfriend here, as i have never read your work before either. where'd you come from? i liiiiiike it. more please. -Dave |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
um...where might you think you've lost it? (ready to argue) It could not have been: Oh. damn. went through the first three verses, and was ready to pull that one down, but realized it had my favorite lines: "the father of our surdity is separation and perversion its issue the kindest thoughts become illegitimate parodies of humorless misunderstanding" the very language of this bespeaks the emotion. (and yes, I do know that there was a b astardization of your chosen word here-- ) Now...let's continue on...the issue of a legitimate, is after all, PERCEPTION... HUGS to ya, Jamie..awesome write. |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
i'm disagreeing with the thought that you lost it... the 'change' in tone actually fit to me, providing a basis of understanding in regard to the toll waiting/distance can take on a person, relationship, thoughts... i really think that not only fed well into the concept, but helped aid the concept; you carried both example and interest to the end (which i admit kind of threw me in relation to subject matter, but was such a cool image it didn't matter.) what i think might help a lot is to a) ditch... or at least tone down - the indentation. it is very distracting, and i can't think of a legitimate (heh) reason for it to exist. b) add some punctuation boy! *smile* i really think that even a couple commas and periods would add to the flow considerably. the subject matter... uhm. dang. of course it's felt. of course, it's apt. the line "just as a whisper/is no match for/a touch" is one of the best i've seen for a while, and fairly rocketed the reader (ok, ME) into the emotion of the poem... i'm even wondering if you could move it ahead a little, as it REALLY sets the mood. one last thing - i'm torn on "fantasy/ever so sweet/cannot compete" because the 'ever so sweet' seems somewhat cliche... but i really liked the incidental rhyme there. so just noting my thought on that. in all J, i think you ran this through admirably well. C |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
A pleasure to read this...James |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I hate to say it, I really do, but I agree with C on the indentations. Oh, I know where you're going..but nah... kill them eh? Longer sentences...adding to the flow. Over all...I like this a lot, and omg can I relate. I'm glad you worked on it enough to finally post it hon love ya  K |
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bsquirrel
since 2000-01-03
Posts 7855 |
Loved those images, particularly the dirty snowballs in the rain and silent disappearance. Awesome. |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Thanks for the encouraging replies--I may play with it a bit more... J |
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Aimster Member Elite
since 2000-02-19
Posts 4297Charlotte, NC |
jamie, one of your finest writes hon...i thought your sentence structure and thoughts was dead on...wonderfully penned my friend...i'm not much on critiquing, but i really wanted you to know i enjoyed this piece and i don't really see where you "lost it"...but i'll keep looking hehe I honestly related tothis piece...there's nothing like the real touch and face to look at is there? take care. please write me soon. i've missed you very much. love ya. amy "you can't stop |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Jamie, as you know I can relate. And I don't see where you have lost it. It's a great and thought provoking write hon. It's going into my library....... and why didnt you send me notice of this poem hmmmmm? I'm waiting! arms crossed and foot tapping Maree |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Jamie's in tr-oub-le. |
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