Look to the Sea (another ramble?)

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Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2002-05-02 02:30 AM

Look to the Sea
©2002 C.G. Ward

surrounded:
blue, sapphire, cerulean, aquamarine, azure;
        purity.
as beauty is to night,
such is this to dawn.

today, i looked to the sea.

one could call it distance,
that vast space caught between
the gaps of understanding
and the chilling anger of inconsistency.
or, one could just picture it imaginary;
tension plied from a new moon
out of phase with the whim of fate.

later, darkening,
sleeplessness burrowed my mind,
plying a rhythm of wishes
across the empty anger of an ocean
beset with tides of an unkempt dream.
     reality wavered:
        a vision
- and i stumble-stepped-stumbled
through crisp, warm sand.

it was there,
with the brightening of hope
that i felt my feet shod
in the magic of unknown.

so, shuffling through comfort -
caressing sun off bones -
i shivered,
     anticipation
as the first hint of salty moisture
clung to the skin of my ankles,
floating the hair on my legs
into octahedral freedom.

then one more stride, final,
and my knees were brushed by
the siren call of the underworld:
mountains of water, cave of wonders…
deep below, where the sun has no meaning,
and distance is but a fancy.

i fell, i admit.
but i still have a long way to go.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-05-02 02:35 AM

it was there,
with the brightening of hope
that i felt my feet shod
in the magic of unknown.

smiling wildly now...and where else d'ya suppose that could happen? Don't tighten those reigns love, let the horses run YOU.

love you, luv.

Temptress

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-06-15

Posts 7136
Mobile, AL

2 posted 2002-05-02 02:39 AM

amazing! Can't offer much more than that. lol..I'll come back when I can find something worthy to say to something like this.

How grave is my condition, for I cannot find the words to say, I need you so.
~Sarah MacLachlan~

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

3 posted 2002-05-02 02:40 AM

let the horses run me?

ha! as if! (i'm far too much of a control freak for that... *smile*)

thankee oh special-k hugs

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

4 posted 2002-05-02 08:34 AM

Hey hon, I've just finished replying to Fate Rider's crit and my eyes are drooping lol...read this, and the other - will reply at length soon to both...you have a good day today

Later you

K

[This message has been edited by Severn (05-02-2002 08:35 AM).]

ecrivan
Member Elite

since 2001-12-10

Posts 3923
my own state

5 posted 2002-05-02 08:47 AM

interesting rendition of man's attraction to the unknown...be it to the ocean or sea, what lies there is your secret...like a mermaid call from the deep?

Interloper

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-11-06

Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

6 posted 2002-05-03 09:53 AM

"A jouney of 1000 miles begins with the first step"

Greeneyes

Member Rara Avis

since 2000-09-09

Posts 9903
In Your Poetic Mind

7 posted 2002-05-03 10:16 AM

Fantastic Christopher~
very in~depth....

Lauren~

~Sinking fast into
an ocean of you,
what if I told you,
what if I said
that I love you
do we dare cross
that line between your
heart and mine~

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

8 posted 2002-05-03 01:19 PM

this is the other i feel not so hot about... lol - and i want to thank you all for indulging me in good moments and bad.

peace

C

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

9 posted 2002-05-12 06:52 AM

Happy with this or not...I like it. If you want to improve on it, why don't you tighten it up? I can see some lines that are purely beautiful, like:

plying a rhythm of wishes
across the empty anger of an ocean
beset with tides of an unkempt dream.

I love that.

Then there are others that it might be good to cut out, like:

out of phase with the whim of fate.

I'd just end that bit with the new moon. Also, (and I promise I'm not being biased because I don't generally like a focus on colour in poetry lol) - I think that this:

surrounded:
blue, sapphire, cerulean, aquamarine, azure;
purity.
as beauty is to night,
such is this to dawn.

should just go altogther.

Why not just start it with:

Today, I looked to the sea.

That is just such a beautiful beginning C. More tightening up suggestions: You could take out the 'chilling' from 'and the chilling anger of inconsistency'..

'floating the hair on my legs
into octahedral freedom'

I know you love it - but please. Into freedom is truly sufficient

heh.

'i fell, i admit.
but i still have a long way to go.'

I'd ditch that - it's telling, rather than showing.

This poem has such atmosphere, such a drift...you succeed more than I think you realise C.

There's some suggestions for a start...if you do want to do more with this poem (I think you should) we can always discuss it later.

K

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

10 posted 2002-05-16 04:29 AM

ramble on, ramble on! I love it!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

11 posted 2002-05-16 06:38 PM

again, thank you passing shadows... the hard part is for me to stop rambling!

K - that part (blue, sapphire, etc) was there purely as a way to push BLUE in y'alls face. it was a joke, nothing more. i agree that from a serious point of view, the following line would be a much better intro.

but i disagree on the octohedral freedom... i wanted to convey the impression of wandering many different directions.

hugs again, and thank you so much

C

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