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Fever
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Fever |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space 
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There is clarity in muddled thoughts of fever yes? Its dizzy walk beautiful regression to days of first step thoughts slow in crawl no room for pine in instinct and motor skill I am as child wide eyed and free I am in fevered moments, me [This message has been edited by Aenimal (04-11-2003 10:58 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved | |||
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
OMG - this is YOU - I am truly taken aback by this - clarity yes - and YOU - yes *listen: when I was a child . . . I had a fever - my hands felt just like two balloons . . . now I've got that fever once again - I cant explain - you would not understand - this is not how I am . . .* Sorry - that came to mind . . . This is it! Pure introspection and clarity - I am keeping this one - hehehe I keep all of them - I love this - is amazing writing - as always (even though my interpretations are ALWAYS off) Always be YOU . . . Sue xxoo I am as child wide eyed and free I am in fevered moments, me [This message has been edited by littlewing (04-12-2003 03:58 AM).] |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Ah! Now this is what like to see from you. The introspection, the understanding of circumstance. Yes, a very good write |
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dreambuilder Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 319caddyshack |
It would sound as though the time alone during a period of illness provides you the solace to retreat from the world around you. Quiet introspection can be the sweetest indulgence one can afford themselves. Peace be with you friend & nice to see you sharing the treasures you find during such times. Look forward to more from you |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
Clarity found in detachment, cool write Jason |
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Bill Charles Member Patricius
since 2000-07-11
Posts 10619highways, & byways, for now |
Aenimal - this fever is well written... BC |
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Edder Senior Member
since 2003-04-02
Posts 671 |
"There is clarity in muddled thoughts of fever yes?" in you my friend, yes. well done |
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LUV_R_GIRL2379 Junior Member
since 2003-04-09
Posts 42 |
"i am as a child wide eyed and free, i am in fevered moments,me" i loved this line! truly amazing poem! keep up the good work! |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
a beautiful regression it is |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Raph... I've edited my critique - if you want to know the full kapow-original, mail and let me know m'friend - I'll send it to you...  The gist: Recently, I've noticed a trend toward omitting articles and plurals and whathaveyou from poems...while I can see the appeal - it does, after all, seem somehow more poetic - I believe it's a risky thing... Due to my decision to edit this crit, I'm going to use just one piece from your poem as an example of what I mean, which happens to be my favourite part of the poem... 'I am as child wide eyed and free I am in fevered moments, me' If you made the first line 'I am as child' a proper, grammatical sentence, ie 'I am as a child' it actually serves to highlight the stand-out effect that the last two lines have... 'I am as child' and 'I am in fevered moments, me' are repetitious in terms of their structure. By omitting the article 'a' in the first line it looks a little like you're trying to be poetical...a little forced. However, the last line - flows beautifully... and that effortless flow is accentuated by removing the forced poetic from the 'I am as child' and making it grammatically correct... now that may not make any sense because I am ridiculously tired...lol...and I think my conversational skills now resemble those of a three year old with a large, open mouthful of banana... hugs you later  K[This message has been edited by Severn (04-12-2003 08:22 AM).] |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Now normally, I am not one to go worrying about articles, I tend to add or discard them depending on the meter I am attempting to achieve. (As per a suggestion made to me once by Nan in the workshop--wish I had the link, but I am half asleep m'self) and no, I'm not one to follow direction or even kind hearted suggestion blindly, so I kept this in mind as I read some of the classics, and I find I agree with Nan, and I think either way can work--as long as the meter falls in line to contiue the flow. I do agree that in the case of the Kamla' s questioned stanza however, adding the "a" would help balance the flow of meter--IF it were the opening stanza (sometimes I drum the words out with my fingers--tain't scientific but it works for me)but I LIKE the neat structured rhyme ending of this. I think that in the context, the change of meter helped provide the impact, and the did not feel it forced whatsoever--in fact, the verse ends with a sort of whimsy that I felt emphasizes the point of being a child with a clarity of some gaity, and helps to lighten the darker intrsospection of this verse. In short, although I did not read Kamla's original critique, I think I agree with your apparent decision to keep the article "a" omitted--it is after all, the decision of the author, and in this case, since it is NOT a formal style of poetry, a situation of poetic license. And I know that quibbling over one letter seems silly to others, but I have edited my own poetry simply delete a comma...and...winks to Kamla...who helped me overcome the a certain bad habit...that sticks around from time to time...ad infinitum ad nauseum K ? The dreaded ellipsis addiction!  Any how, it's great to see two of my favorite poets together here. (Raph, at least she critiques YOU--heh heh.)  to all. Peace-out poet people. (nod to Kamla...note the alliteration?) bwahahahahaha... |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks Sue, guess there is that comfortably numb vibe to it What Ed you don't like my self pitied spewings too? grin Thanks dreambuilder always appreciate your comments Jason yes detachment sometimes seems to be the answer Thanks Bill appreciate it Thanks Edder kind words Thanks Luv R Girl glad you like them Dixie ah it is it is In answer to Kamla and Karen: Kamla I've emailed you and yes please send it over. What was all the fuss about I went to bed early with fever and missed all the fun! I've always welcomed your honesty and my critique message does read Honesty, however brutal. That said let me first say that I completely agree with what you are saying, however Karen's got me pegged. She knows me too well. On the surface it does look poetically forced, however in keeping with the fevered theme I left it as is, to achieve exactly what Karen spoke of in her reply. A sense of whimsy, it is afterall a fevered write and therefore I felt the need for a loose and light ending thus the rhyme (which you know I hate writing)to give it a childlike, nursery rhyme effect. Ok forgive me if this reply isn't clear I really do have a fever and my thought process is muddled so I'm off to bed again.. |
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Patricia Member Elite
since 2003-04-06
Posts 2160Missouri |
I have to say the song, "Comfortably Numb" (one of responses you received quoted lines from this song) by Pink Floyd did come to my mind as well. Oh, but, you sir are a master of the word. I love this poem you see because of my journey to find the me I should be. -Patricia |
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WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
I am as child wide eyed and free I am in fevered moments, me Sensational description. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Raph - well I've emailed the original hon and then you can see the whole picture of what I'm saying... Karen, ah Karen Karen Karen...grumble. I need to do mean things to your poetry too...lol. Have to confess I wasn't thinking meter...nope, not meter. In fact - meter and I don't get on very well as you know well  Quibbling over one letter? Well, I did originally quibble over lots more than that, but that's beside the point...the point is, for me at least, taking care with our poetic license...nothing worse than trying to seem poetic. It's one of the hardest things I think - realising that one can seem forced in freeverse as well. I think that applies to the writers of good freeverse mostly, who experiment with style etc. Um, I'm actually going to commit more time to critiquing now (although, don't take my word on it, that might STILL not eventuate) so you better watch out Karen. I have your stuff marked honey...MARKED! Huggles to both of you crazy kids.. K(Alliteration? What alliteration - I'm in alliteration denial...) |
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Etain Member
since 2003-02-22
Posts 92The moon... |
Yes, yes, freedom in your words, I like them. Beautiful. Warm hugs, Etain. |
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Gina Culliney Member
since 2003-03-08
Posts 170 |
clear and precise writing. wonderful comparasions of fever, thoughts, and child emotions. Beautiful descriptive flow. |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
This was surprisingly lucid for fever dreams, however I like the air of detachment that came through the whole poem. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
enjoy your read |
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Aenimal Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350the ass-end of space |
Thanks Patricia, welcome to PIP and thanks for the incredibly kind words Thanks WhiteRose though it seems to have caused a debate..lol Read and replied Kamla am I not justified? Am I not merciful..oops slipped into Gladiator for a sec..nevermind Etain thanks for the words and the hugs Gina Thanks for the read and the compliments Kethry ironically I become more lucid when I'm feverish or well..hammered Vandana thanks |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Have yet to reply to your e...I'm not so sure on the justified part - specially not when you're thinking purely in terms of technique... a short incapicity won't convince me Sir! I'll get back to you soon I promise.. K |
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silvergriffinfire Junior Member
since 2003-03-13
Posts 21middle of nowhere |
love it, but now I need a fever dream! Descendus Averno Facillis Est |
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