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Open Poetry #25
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Carried On The Waves
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Carried On The Waves |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
THIS MAY BE A BIT LONG.....BUT WHEN I START WRITING, I DONT STOP UNTIL THE FLOW DOES.... _______________________________________________ Carried on the waves, the voice of unreason. Taking part in a dream, to where I become, My own protagonist. Cries of consciousness, but barely awake. An awkward time, a trgedy. A captured fantasy, in the shadows. Carried on the waves Without laughter, without thought. Thought-optical illusions, The mind is a dangerous place. I stirred up the fire, Of twisted history. Paralyzed, I do not retreat from life, But kill the fear. Carried on the waves, The sun rises there, but the center collapses. Metaphorically speaking, I cannot hear what i said. Seperated at birth. Survived under life. The dark warrior who lives in all of us, The human outcast. Smothering in the misery, Planning the apocalypse of my mind. Carried on the waves, Senseless, timelessness, Haunting dreams. Cease to be a spectator in life and Steal the long awaited kiss. Be a verb, not a noun. Wallowing in ourselves, Brooding over lost innocence, Become visioneer To this very moment. Carried on the waves You/i/we are in absurdity. Poetry of rage and darkness, Seem to forget the love. It's a collaboration in calamity, Frustrated hope, Unknown destruction of one's destiny. A dying grief. A surgeon of sorrow. Carried on the waves In the blin of an eye, The voice inside becoming a deserter, Couldn't take it no more. We are survivors of guilt, nobody rides the waves the same. Some peering behind, to see who's in charge, Some move forward, listening to the sound of the soul. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Albert J. Allie - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Carried on the waves You/i/we are in absurdity. Poetry of rage and darkness, Seem to forget the love. It's a collaboration in calamity, Frustrated hope, Unknown destruction of one's destiny. A dying grief. A surgeon of sorrow. like this piece... and loved these lines. my only quibble if there is one, is starting each section with the same line... I understand the reason for doing it and it works... as well as is a device I have used and am sure will use again. In this piece, however, I think it reads better without that line used in repeat but a variant of it or a transition line between the sections to smooth the flow.. excellent imagery in this...the intensity palpable... the whole of it, very well written... I enjoyed. |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you for your advice. I thought the same thing at first but that's how it came to me as I wrote. But then I thought that it was a mush full of metaphoric mess without each paragraph starting with that line. Thanks for being on the same wave length as me!!! |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I understand the mix you speak of, and it is difficult to pull off without some central anchor, the repeated line being the anchor you used. I also know how it is to write what flows when you start.... not looking at it too closely just being indeed the scribe for what comes. as I said..a quibble if it is indeed a quibble... rereading this I tend to agree that the line is what anchors the whole and atransitions would be much more difficult to pull of... it is a nice complex piece of writing... with lots to explore in thought and feel as one reads it over...then turns around and reads again... |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (smiles) Oh Albert, this is wonderful, sweet friend, and I know you are one of those hearts that will move forward just as my prayers are with those who fight the leetide and I offer them hugs of strength and hope! (big hugggssssss) God Bless You, sweet friend, it'll be clear sailing from here for certain, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Albert, thank you for sharing!  Mayn love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you sir Noah!!!!! |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Albert, This is subtly powerful and deep. It makes my heart pound in places. Too many lines and ideas to quote. One I like: "Be a verb, not a noun, wallowing in ourselves" It needs to be read slowly. Much thinking here. Enjoyed greatly. Hugs, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you sooo MUCH Pat. I am glad you liked it!!! |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Intensely pleasurable. Rode the waves of each verse! ThisDiamond |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Albert, A series of symbol passes that made a goal, enjoyed. [This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (02-18-2003 08:09 AM).] |
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inkedgoddess Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-19
Posts 7392Ohio |
love the waves myself, a queensgirl,after leaving bklyn, love the beach, the waves,the whole rockaway rhythms, love your style, look forward to more of it |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Very nice piece of work here A. Much enjoyed...and one for the book! ~Hugs & Smiles, Nancy~ ~ Trace my body with your words.. |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thanks Inkedgoddess....Love those beach waves myself..... Thank you Enchantress....Appreciate it!!!! |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you diamond and Seymore!!! Very kind!!!!!!!!!!!!!  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The mind is a dangerous place. I stirred up the fire, Of twisted history. Paralyzed, I do not retreat from life, But kill the fear. ~*~ Albert...this is good. Very good. My only suggestion would be to make sure you clean up the minor spelling errors...let me know if you need help. Nothing puts a reader off more than seeing spelling errors... This should fly.... It should also be in the book! |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
..."listening to the sound of the soul"---I did and it rang out loud and clear! Warm hugs, Linda |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
 wonderful! |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Sunshine - Thank you so much. Sorry about the errors but that's what happens when you type fast and in the dark! Angel - Wow thank you! Shadows - I Appreciate that! |
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Justbleu Member Elite
since 1999-08-31
Posts 3329Oregon, Originally From Alaska :) |
I very much enjoyed this.....I voted!!!! And by no means is this too long!!!!! Thank You!!!! Bridgette  |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
I agree with Bridget. I very much enjoyed..so,  Hugs, Ethel |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
This reads very well... thanks a lot for sharing... and I didn't mind the length at all... in fact it flowed nicely... regards, sudhir |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you so much sadhir!!! |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
Thank you bridgette and Ethel!!  |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Vote! Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
THANKS Titia!  |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
You/i/we are in absurdity ************************* Exactly. We ARE an absurdity. Complex creatures that we are, we continually devise our own demise, then sit back and ask that rather stupid "What the?" while searching for some other guilty party. A few rough spots A, mostly spelling stumbles for me, but overall a very interesting and thought triggering piece. For publication purposes, you might take Sunshine up on her offer of fixing glaring offenders. Those repetitive lines bothered me after the third incidence, yet I can't really offer you any alternative without substantially changing the flow. Let it flow, bro, from scene to scene.  and vote[This message has been edited by Midnitesun (03-01-2003 10:20 AM).] |
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Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
Albert, sometimes just winging it is the thing to do when the words are there.... Very intense, good imagery... |
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Albert J. Allie Senior Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 512Queens NY |
ANK YOU MIDNITE AND MANGUS!! Appreciate it. I am glad you enjoyed the read! |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
Good work Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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