Open Poetry #25 |
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That comfort |
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Eromyna Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306Pheonix, AZ, USA ![]() |
Hey, Mr Empathic Tell me how I'm feeling now Tell me that the wounds will heal Tell me all this pain's not real Reach into me, Aidan so you can feel my pulse so you can reach my heart to tear it from this vault Whisper words into my mind Make me forget my fears Loose my spirit from this cage To fill it with more tears Believe me, sweetest Aidan I trusted you before But now I know that I was right to doubt that comfort I adore Now, I am bleeding silence into the vacancy of noise If I were not so fragile I may not have shattered at your voice Now, I am scattered ashes Now, I am sick and sore Confusion clings to me again locking me behind my door "I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation." |
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© Copyright 2003 Shay D. - All Rights Reserved | |||
JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Interesting...James |
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Jason Lyle Senior Member
since 2003-02-07
Posts 1438With my darkling |
Honest writes from the heart, are my favorite. Jason |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
I can relate...sadly |
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Cpat Hair![]()
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
I'm not too sharp on form or on style reallly...but this seems to be a mix of free verse and rhyme that tripped me up a bit because I didn't pick up a pattern in the rhyme scheme.. now... could very well be me and it could be there..LOL..it is after all Monday and I have not had near enoght cofee. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
no it's not you C...I am reading too and have to slow down the rhythm of reading on a few lines. Try reading your poems aloud to yourself..or tape them in a small recorder then listen for the sections that seem too wordy or have too many syllables. Then try to leave out the unnecessary...to make it read smoother. *Just trying to help you hugssssss M |
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Eromyna Member
since 2002-11-29
Posts 306Pheonix, AZ, USA |
Good ideas, but the problem is not that I don't notice the rough spots. I just havn't figured out the right way to fix them yet. "I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation." |
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