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Open Poetry #25
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Graveside ..... A light read by Capt Ron and me
| Open Poetry #25 |
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Graveside ..... A light read by Capt Ron and me |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
I dreamed again of moss covered stone lying wait among twisted root with knotty fingers curled through dirt in gasp of breath catching foot and tripping me into unbroken flat faced fall and ditch... shallow for a grave but tomb enough as dank and rotting leaves amass heavy with rake of season to conceal the rest of the body... my body weighted and cold now disposed if not yet dead pocketed by earth lungs soon to scream in poverty of breath until desperate, involuntary gasp sucks earthen clot toward throat and choking cocktail of grit and gas result as fading tread of step appears to echo in now sand filled ears the crunch of spine, the wound of heart from seasons last snapped apart and with a fluttered stone scratched eye the sight of you with loam gouged hands covering a smile I know again I am damned My heart you took so long ago but chamber void still aches me so the ground refused to swallow me though each night it seems to be that thoughts of you I thought long dead dance as visions in my head bury then this dream begun that I might sleep at set of sun |
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| © Copyright 2003 Duncan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Your styles meld perfectly...absolutely seamless rendering here. This left me gasping for air as the vivid imagery so aptly depicted the slow-death-feel of suffocating depression. stunned (and more than a little bit jealous--  ) |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
as fading tread of step appears to echo in now sand filled ears the crunch of spine, the wound of heart from seasons last snapped apart and with a fluttered stone scratched eye the sight of you with loam gouged hands covering a smile I know again I am damned My heart you took so long ago but chamber void still aches me so the ground refused to swallow me though each night it seems to be that thoughts of you I thought long dead dance as visions in my head bury then this dream begun that I might sleep at set of sun ===================================== WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and DEEEEEEEEEP DEEEEEP DEEEEP ... the moth will be back to give this more time...headed out the door...but wanted to say that you two need to do this MORE!!!! very very cool... you guys must be really be poets huh? |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Double You guys really should do more of this, you know!! [This message has been edited by garysgirl (03-16-2003 01:46 PM).] |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
nice you two...h |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
One of the best poems I've read in a long time. I've read it five times and each time, it is MORE powerful and leaves me involutarily gasping. There are too many good parts to point out any one as special. A light read????? I love this! Hugs to you both; what a terrific combination of talent! Oh my goodness! Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
you did good..and give me credit where it is not due... a case of an idea..you ran with and wove very well into a tense piece... I'm impressed...very... good stuff Duncan... very good. |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Duncan Well you guys heeped up a litle magic here. A wonderful write. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Duncan and Ron...Intense, like needing to swallow something that might hurt going down, but is delicious anyway...if that makes any sense. Very well done, you guys..impressed here! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Intense magic...yes.... AND... wonderful. As Serenity said, seamless...and something that should be brought back in October? Hmmmm? Don't forget either one of you! Thank you for making the sun shine today! |
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Paul Wilson
since 2002-07-07
Posts 4711United States |
Guys...Nothing light about this, it comes over with a bang. Sort of like getting hit by a Mack Truck. Congratulations too both of you for a super duet...Paul "To share my poems with you is to share my heart with you" |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
like a bad rash the moth keeps coming back  As I said before...I wanted to give this more time...so much to see here... As KA and others have said...one of the most impressive things about this one is that you wrote in such poetic sync, to the point that its hard for me to tell where one leaves off and the other came in...even as well as I feel like I know each of your work--yes..seemless melding of styles...and of course the imagery is just so vivid and well defined by a masterful employ of metaphor, personification, and using such descriptive and depictive vocab choices that you painted this haunting, surreal write for us like a versed vignette. Its angsty, aching, melancholy, essence is done with a dramatic subtlety and draws the reader in with a heady mix of emotions and imagery. I dreamed again of moss covered stone lying wait among twisted root with knotty fingers curled through dirt in gasp of breath catching foot and tripping me into unbroken flat faced fall and ditch... ~~ as fading tread of step appears to echo in now sand filled ears the crunch of spine, the wound of heart from seasons last snapped apart and with a fluttered stone scratched eye the sight of you with loam gouged hands covering a smile I know again I am damned My heart you took so long ago but chamber void still aches me so the ground refused to swallow me though each night it seems to be that thoughts of you I thought long dead dance as visions in my head bury then this dream begun that I might sleep at set of sun ~~ and the moth did not miss the rhymes either  very very cool duet of the minds you guys.... I hope to see more of this from two of my fave poets..its a double delight  |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
I thought serenity had said it all... until I read JM's second reply. *S* I can't really add anything to their superb comments... except to say wonderful job, guys! *S* |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
A gloomy day called for a gloomy poem, and I absolutely adored this one. It depicts the fall into the darkness like no other words could. You guys make this look so effortless. |
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