»
Archives
»
Open Poetry #19
»
Balcony Life (villanelle)
| Open Poetry #19 |
|
Balcony Life (villanelle) |
|
Allan Riverwood
since 2001-01-04
Posts 3502Winnipeg 
|
Balcony Life (a Villanelle) Protruding rain from overpass of clay With water's ease the mysteries disperse The pigeons shall return another day Rewrite us do survivors of the fray On midnight's tongue our children bear the curse Protruding rain from overpass of clay In solitude the truth knows no delay With crystal cream of consciousness perverse The pigeons shall return another day The jesters are the stars of summer's play With traged'iennes, the darkness to converse Protruding rain from overpass of clay Beneath the ocean parched the natives stay Asleep in envy t'wards the ebon hearse The pigeons shall return another day The street, a canvas ripe with shades of grey In perfect view, the sky must know it first Protruding rain from overpass of clay The pigeons shall return another day |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Brian James Lee - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
In solitude the truth knows no delay With crystal cream of consciousness perverse The pigeons shall return another day I know nothing about form, check out workshop for proof. But this is an incedible poem. This verse, especially...hit me. Thanks, Allan. |
||
Marshalzu 
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Once again I am astounded that your talent has no bounds. I just love villanelles and I am more than slightly envious of this one, thank you for the wonderful read.  Andrew "The pin didn't drop it came and crashed down" |
||
|
Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well I think our Nan would be giving you a gold star for this beauty! I loved this part,"The jesters are the stars of summer's play With traged'iennes, the darkness to converse Protruding rain from overpass of clay" and this closing was incredible Allan... "The street, a canvas ripe with shades of grey In perfect view, the sky must know it first Protruding rain from overpass of clay The pigeons shall return another day Plus I just learned something from you, and I liked it, no punctuation used. You made this look so simple and of course the are extremely hard to do.(well, for most that is) The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives. |
||
|
Gentle Spirit Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989 |
The jesters are the stars of summer's play With traged'iennes, the darkness to converse Protruding rain from overpass of clay Allan, I have never tried one of these villanelles but you make it seem to easy. This truly is an outstanding piece. On the wings of words our spirits fly....and our souls are free. |
||
|
Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
The street, a canvas ripe with shades of grey In perfect view, the sky must know it first Protruding rain from overpass of clay The pigeons shall return another day Allan, this is excellent. Your composition in the realm of villanelles is always a delight to read ... so well thought out in theme and format. The rhyme and meter flows beautifully throughout, and I always enjoy your use of language and phrasing. Very well done. Best wishes, /Kit |
||
|
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I love to see a craftsman of his trade. This is excellent, sir. Villanelles are very difficult to hold the reader's mind throughout all of the required repetetive lines but you have done so admirably  |
||
|
ecrivan Member Elite
since 2001-12-10
Posts 3923my own state |
like the form and it's content, well done! |
||
|
Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
Rewrite us do survivors of the fray On midnight's tongue our children bear the curse Protruding rain from overpass of clay In solitude the truth knows no delay With crystal cream of consciousness perverse The pigeons shall return another day The jesters are the stars of summer's play With traged'iennes, the darkness to converse Protruding rain from overpass of clay Beneath the ocean parched the natives stay Asleep in envy t'wards the ebon hearse The pigeons shall return another day ======================================== Hard to decide which is more impressive...there is so much to see here....the cadence, the vocab and very cool phrasing and imagery...the tight exactness, of the form and rhyme scheme (which you made look easy) heck--you even worked in some alliterations!!  Also enjoyable was the personification and ethereal qualities to this rather crytpic write, love the title too. And one has to notice the absence of cliche' The images and phrasing are clever and unique. These lines are just too cool: Rewrite us do survivors of the fray On midnight's tongue our children bear the curse The jesters are the stars of summer's play With traged'iennes, the darkness to converse Like I said a most impressive write poet sir...so good to see your name here today. You never knew what I loved in you, |
||
|
Mistletoe Angel
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 BRAVO!!! WOW, I LOVE IT, THIS IS EXCELLENT!!! (big hugggssssss) This painted just like a canvas of an artist, sweet friend, I saw the whole vision of a waterfront and pigeons flooding the streets on a rainy day! (smiles) We all love you so much, sweet friend, this is outstanding! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Allan, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton |
||
|
Nightshade
since 2001-08-31
Posts 13962just out of reach |
Allan - wow, this one sent me scrolling back to the top to read again. Excellent. Chris Life is not measured by breaths you take, but by moments that take your breath away. |
||
|
strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Allan , I love the villanelle and I have been doing many lately, and let me tell you this is great. YOur subject matter is terrific and it fits so nice and flows. Wonderful work. floria Floria |
||
|
Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Has been a while, young man since first we heard your last come home to welcome arm's span and now you are here, take a stand while again I seek your words cast then applause, applause, by my hand Welcome home, Allan... |
||
|
Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
ah yes. . .the artist. . . well, perhaps not as a young man. . .but rather, as a man who is perhaps ahead of his time. . . I find the style and the language of this to be very well done. . . flowing and yet able to keep the interest of the reader. . . taking us back while keeping us here. . . as is your style. . . well done my friend. . . and, don't stay away so long next time, ok??? -------------------------------------------------------- To the world, you may only be one person. But to one person, you may be the world. |
||
|
Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
This is wonderful. I've written a few villanelles, and they make me sweat. This is a great one. Nan |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
"Protruding rain from overpass of clay" Wow, Allan. Simply wow. What I just read was one of the most perfectly written poems I've seen on pip. Perhaps not perfectly.... but purely poetically. Does that make sense? The flow, the rhyme, the bringing back of continuous lines... it was a perfect length. Interesting mood... slightly unassuming, somewhat people-watching, partly I have somethign important to say. What exactly you are trying to say... that is anotehr question. I seem to get, from the continuous lines... or repeated lines.... that you mean to say, tommorrow is anotehr day. Life flows on, with the same tommorrow, but with change. How did I do? I much enjoyed. ~ Titus My motto... always changing, always improving, living life in veiw of eternity. [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (03-19-2002 01:04 AM).] |
||
|
PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
"In solitude the truth knows no delay" Wanted to add I loved this line. Very true. ~ Titus My motto... always changing, always improving, living life in veiw of eternity. [This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (03-19-2002 01:32 AM).] |
||
|
Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
I echo all that Balladeer said. adding to my library Maree |
||
|
Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Alan this is outstanding! |
||
|
Dulcinea Senior Member
since 2001-07-22
Posts 774IN |
A villanelle requires a certain art and flair to keep the flow and rhythm going, and you mangaged it in a dark, yet very imaginative way! Well done!  |
||
|
Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Allan Riverwood, An excellent write, enjoyed |
||
|
RosePetal
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
excellent my friend It seems very challenging to write one of these! |
||
|
ShadowRider Senior Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 1038USA |
superb would be understating the value of your writing today, Allen. Each line leads to another with the ease of swan descending on glass blue Obviously you spent some well spent time on this, and its worth every second. jKf |
||
|
strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Allen I have read this over several times to get the rhythm and flow of what you wrote here, It is excellent writing. Thank you for you critique and help with my villanelle, I have posted a rewrite of it. Hope I am at least a little closer to the correct way..thanks much, learning every day. a bit at a time..thanks to people like you.. floriaFloria |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
